Quantum Mechanics – Introduction
Quantum mechanics is even crazier than relativity. It’s one thing to be faced with a universal speed limit – a crazy idea if there ever was one – but how about some physics that messes with reality itself?
In the old days, to understand weird quantum behavior, you had to do a lot of statistics. But the physicists have managed to boil it down very nicely. Of course it was pretty simple all along, but it it took the physicists decades to get it all straight anyway, probably because they like it complicated.
Okay, enough physicist bashing and kudos to guys like Mermin who have worked very hard seeking simplicity. With a little help from the good professor Mermin (no relation to Merlin), let’s learn quantum mechanics.
All in a Day’s Work
You and two of your friends find yourselves confronted by the Devil and his minions. He wants your souls and even though you have all led lives of honor and integrity, the Devil took out an option on you and your two friends anyway and you will have to complete a series of tasks in order to keep your souls. The tasks are all possible – even the Devil has to play by some rules – but they will get progressively more difficult.
A young devil-in-training shows up to give you your first task. He tries to breathe fire but ends up burning himself and then he says, with an attempt at sounding sinister, “I will ask one of you whether the other two will give the Same or Different answers to a question and if whoever I ask is wrong, you all lose your souls, HAHAHAHAHA.”
So he asks you if your two friends will give the Same answer or Different answers and you say, “Same!” nice and loudly so your friends can hear. Then he asks one friend, “Do you enjoy strolling through cemeteries late at night?” Your friend, very loudly and clearly, says “Yes!”
Then the little devil-in-training turns to your other friend and says, “And how about you, my soon-to-be-slave, do you enjoy strolling through cemeteries at night?” Your second friend has of course heard the two previous answers: you said Same and your first friend said Yes, so of course your second friend loudly and carefully says, “Yes!”
The little devil tries to roar his disappointment but just makes sort of a grating whimper. He presses on however asking you if your friends will give the Same or Different answers and he forces you to say, “Different!” just to try to confuse your friends. But they are standing right there and can hear everything, so, when one answers, “No!” the other says, “Yes!” The little, kind-of-stupid devil tries asking the cemetery questions first, but the third person always hears the first two and always gives the correct answer. Then he asks the cemetery question, then the same-or-different question, and then the final cemetery question, but there is still no problem as long as you are all paying attention and, given the circumstances, neither you nor your friends allow attention to waver for an instant.
The devil-in-training shakes his pitchfork in frustration, injures himself, and vanishes in a puff of smoke and a shrill whine of pain.
Now a somewhat more experienced, but still youngish devil shows up. He casually lights your hair on fire and laughs as you shriek and squirm. He says in a loud, booming voice, “Time for a little rule change!” and the sound reverberates menacingly before dying away. “Same three questions but this time you’ll be locked in soundproofed rooms,” he says. “You have 10 seconds, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.”
Moments later you find yourself in a soundproof room, alone and hoping your friends understood your hastily-delivered instructions. You don’t know who is going to get asked what but that doesn’t matter. Here is your plan with one possible set of answers in green.
You: Same, Yes
Friend 1: Same, Yes
Friend 2: Same, Yes
As long as each of you say “Same” if asked about the answers of the others and as long as each of you say “Yes” if asked about walking in the cemetery at night, your souls are safe. Suddenly you are back with your friends and the second devil who says, “Very clever, but now the rule is if I decide to ask all three of you whether the other two will give the same or different answers, if you all say, ‘Same,’ you all lose your souls. HAHAHAHAHAHA! You have 5 seconds this time.” He smiles and you notice a tiny flame on each tooth and in each of his eyes.
Now you are in the soundproofed room again. Fortunately, you had anticipated this particular move and you were ready with your instructions for your friends. Here is your plan.
You: Same, Yes
Friend 1: Different, No
Friend 2: Different, No
Your souls are safe because no matter who gets asked what, they are always right. For example, if Friend 1 gets asked the Same-or-Different question and you and Friend 2 get asked about the cemetery, here’s what happens (what the devil hears is in green):
You: Same, Yes
Friend 1: Different, No
Friend 2: Different, No
There are three other possible scenarios, and, in each case, the devil is foiled and you keep your souls. You might be asked same-or-different.
You: Same, Yes
Friend 1: Different, No
Friend 2: Different, No
Or Friend 2 might get the, “Will your friends’ answers be the same or different?” question.
You: Same, Yes
Friend 1: Different, No
Friend 2: Different, No
The devil might check that you are not all saying, “Same,” but this will do him no good.
You: Same, Yes
Friend 1: Different, No
Friend 2: Different, No
You have vanquished the second devil. Even though you had only five seconds to tell your friends what to do, your foresight saved you. The second devil screams bloody murder, erupts in a sheet of flame, and vanishes. You know there will be a third devil and you are not sure if you are up to the task of defeating this one as that last one nearly finished you. Your friends are grateful to you for saving them so far, but both are now rather pale, almost in tears. You aren’t doing all that well yourself. You pray for calm but praying seems quite a hollow thing to do so close to the gates of Hell.
Uh Oh
The third Devil arrives. He is older, MUCH older. “Yes, I see you have out-thought my two young assistants,” he says quietly. “But don’t worry,” he says reassuringly, almost soothingly, “I won’t pull any of that nonsense about giving you only 5 seconds to think,. You can have all the time you want.” He smiles. There are no flames, just a gleam in his eye. In all of your life, nothing has ever unnerved you so much as this smoothly pleasant Devil.
“You can talk with each other and take notes if you like,” says the Devil (and this is the Devil, capitalized). Some paper and pencils appear and a writing table and chairs.
“We will ask the same questions as before and any one of you must correctly predict whether the other two will give the same or different answers. You will be locked in separate rooms again. BUT” – and here the Devil allows a brief flicker of universal hatred to cross his face – “if we ask all three of you whether the others will give the same or different answers, you may NOT all say ‘Same’ AND I’m terribly, terribly sorry to inform that you may NOT give us one ‘Same’ and two ‘Different’ answers either.”
“It’s very simple really. We’ll do it 10 times and you’ll be able to meet before each round,” the Devil says calmly. “Take your time . . . or I will.” And he vanishes without fanfare.
One of your friends is shaking uncontrollably. “We can’t do it!” he screams. “I thought he wasn’t allowed to give us an impossible task! We can’t all three of us say Different. It just won’t work! Three yes or no answers CAN’T MAKE THREE DIFFERENT PAIRS . . . one pair will always, always, always be the same.” And he starts to cry. You reflect that you have never seen this particular friend cry.
He looks at the two of you pleading, wanting it all to be a dream. He grabs you and starts shaking you. “Don’t you see,” he yells, “yes-no-no or yes-yes-no or no-yes-no or whatever you want, at least one pair is always the same. WE CAN’T ALL SAY DIFFERENT!”
You scribble down a quick note for yourself just to make absolutely sure you and your friends are truly in big trouble.
You: Different, Yes
Friend 1: Different, No
Friend 2: Different, Uh-oh
Friend 2 will be right when he says “Different” as long as you and Friend 1 plan on saying “Yes” and “No.” But should Friend 2 say “Yes” or “No”? If Friend 2 chooses his answer ahead of time, either you or Friend 1 will be wrong when you say “Different” – damned wrong you might say.
Your crying friend looks at your paper, nods his head, and collapses into a fetal position; his skin is cold and clammy even with all the fire licking around the walls. He begins to mutter incoherently. Your other friend, wiping the sweat away from his face and making a Herculean effort to stay calm, says, “B-B-But wait, M-M-Mr. Devil said we could have two of us say, ‘Same’ and one say ‘D-D-Different.’ What about that?”
From his fetal position, your other friend just moans, “Noooooo! If two pairs are the same, they ALL have to be the same.” And he goes back to his muttering.
For the first time since all this started, you are deeply and terribly afraid. Using the paper and pencil so helpfully provided by the Devil, you write down the second option. You don’t like what you see. You don’t like it at all.
You: Same, Yes
Friend 1: Same, No
Friend 2: Different, Uh oh
Again, Friend 2′s “Different” answer is fine but the same cannot be said for your “Same” answer or Friend 1′s “Same” answer. The “Uh-oh” can’t be both “No” and “Yes” at the same time!!! And yet it has to be.
You look at the flames leaping exuberantly from the walls. You could swear they are forming into the letters, “U-h o-h i-s r-i-g-h-t.” You look away.
You start thinking in terms of probabilities, but this doesn’t make you feel any better. Friend 2 could plan on saying “Yes” if he is asked the cemetery question and you could just pray very hard that it works out okay. There are four things that could happen depending on who gets asked what. Three of them are cool. Will you ever be cool again, you wonder idly. You shake your head to try to clear it.
Unfortunately, the 4th possibility is decidedly not cool. If Friend 2 decides to say “Yes” and the Devil asks you Same-or-Different and asks your two friends the cemetery question, he gets music in his ears. Here’s how damnation looks:
You: Same, Yes
Friend 1: Same, No
Friend 2: Different, Yes
Friend 2 could decide to say “No” but this doesn’t help. If Friend 1 is asked Same-or-Different, he would be damned wrong.
It gets worse. The Devil can undoubtedly hear everything you say, so if you make a plan, you’ll get nailed on the first round. So it’s impossible to devise a plan that will always work and if you make a plan that will usually work, you’ll lose on the first round because you have no privacy. You could try it with no plan at all but you wouldn’t last very long. It seems unfair. Damn. Damn, damn, damn.
Can he do that?
Maybe the fetal position isn’t such a bad idea . . . The paper and pencil is useless. No matter what you and your friends decide to write down, there’s no way to always answer the questions correctly. Your souls are as good as gone . . . You feel the black cloak of despair settling over you, a heavy smothering weight, unending darkness everlasting . . . In a way it’s comforting to just give up completely . . . no hope . . . no striving . . . just plain old suffering . . . It won’t be so bad . . .
But wait! With the pathetic young devil, you and your friends could hear each other’s answers. It’s only the insistence that you have to plan it out beforehand that is keeping you from solving the problem. “If only we had radio equipment,” you mutter to yourself. And suddenly three radios appear! They work perfectly and you and your still-standing friend try them out and you can talk to each other.
“We can bring these with us!” exclaims your friend. “He never said we couldn’t and soundproofing won’t stop a radio transmission.”
One of the radio crackles to life: “Hi honey, it’s me.”
You are rather surprised to hear your wife’s voice and you feel a surge of comfort and hope. But the voice, still soft and feminine, says, “I’m afraid you’ll be placed on 3 different planets in the Solar System and the three questions will be asked simultaneously and you’ll have 3 seconds to answer. Oh, and by the way sweetie, if we don’t nail you the first time, we’ll get you by the tenth try. It’s such a shame – isn’t it? – that radio waves only travel at the speed of light. Love you. Bye.”
Waves after wave of rage ripple through your body penetrating to your bone marrow, enveloping your psyche, briefly rendering you mindless as every thought, every memory, and every feeling you’ve ever had transform into highly purified anger. But you can’t kill a Devil.
A little spark of memory from something you once read or heard fights its way to the surface. As you calm down, you think, “quantum mechanics.” Aloud, you say, “if only we had a quantum physicist.” A rumpled old man appears looking bemused. “Vat is dis?” he says. “I vas just writing de wave function for teleportation and den here I am.”
Beside yourself with excitement, you blurt out, talking a mile a minute, “There’s something in quantum physics about particles being connected and wave functions instantly collapsing. I just need a quick lesson and then you can go back to your lab. Will you help me?”
The rumpled old man gets a familiar gleam in his eye and somehow doesn’t look so rumpled anymore. He says, “Vat’s all the fuss about? You act like you are about to lose your soul! I’d love to help you of course because I am the type who likes to help people in need but I’m afraid any personal help from the outside is strictly – what is the word? – VERBOTEN. Yes, that’s it. VERBOTEN.” He SPITS out the word and a little bit of saliva gets on your skin and it burns you. “I certainly vouldn’t vant to break any rules, now vould I?!”
Mission Impossible
The “physicist” disappears before you can get your hands around his throat. Recovering your composure more quickly this time, you say, “If only we had a high-speed internet connection.” A computer appears and you roll up your sleeves and get to work. Your friends, both on their feet now, stand behind you hoping you find what you are looking for. “I forget the guy’s name,” you say. “All I can think of is John Ringer for some reason, but I’m not finding anything.”
Your previously-fetal friend is still not entirely coherent and just starts mumbling, “Ringer, dinger, danger, donger. I ring, he rings, she rings the bell . . . “
“BELL!!!” You are smiling now as you type into the computer. “Thank God for that course in modern physics I ended up in when there was that computer glitch with my schedule sophomore year!” you say out loud to yourself. “It’s John Stewart Bell, the discoverer of the Bell Inequality. Here it is. Three guys have upgraded it to involve three particles rather than two . . . “
Equipment begins appearing but your friends are still skeptical. “How can this work?” the relatively coherent one says. “We’re going to be on different planets and they are going to ask the questions simultaneously and demand immediate answers. We can’t agree beforehand on what our answers are going to be because we have to fulfill these contradictory conditions.”
“The particles can do it,” you calmly say. “No one knows how.”
“But it’s impossible,” your friend says. “Are you telling me the three particles can all say Different and at the same time all three answers of Different are correct?”
“That’s right,” you say.
“I’m sorry, but there’s just no way to do that,” protests your friend. “There is no combination of three yes-or-no answers where all three pairs are Different.”
“True enough,” you say, “but we don’t have to produce such a combination. All we have to do is make sure three answers are always ‘Different-No-Yes’ or ‘Different-Yes-No’ or ‘Different-Different-Different.’
Your friend is never going to believe it. He says, “Are you trying to tell me that when you measure a particle and it says Different, it forces the other two far-away particles to give different answers? Because it has to be doing that, you know. The particles couldn’t have decided on their Yes or No answers beforehand because there would always be a pair that was the Same.”
You figure there’s some hope that he’s starting to get it. “You’re right of course. That’s why we can’t try this by writing our answers on paper before we get split up. If we tried it that way, we’d burn.”
“What about the ‘Same-Same-Different’ possibility? I suppose you’re going to tell me the particles can do that too,” says your still-skeptical friend.
“Yes,” you say, “some sets of three particles will give ‘Same-Same-Different’ or, if he asks the questions the other way, they’ll give ‘Same-Yes-Yes’ or ‘Same-No-No” or ‘Different-No-Yes’ or ‘Different-Yes-No’.
“But Same-Same-Different doesn’t make an ounce of sense,” protests your friend. “It’s impossible. Don’t you see? You can’t have two Sames and a Different. If one pair is the Same, maybe it’s Yes-Yes, and you want a second pair to be the Same, you have to have Yes-Yes-Yes, there’s no other way. But then you won’t have a Different pair AND YOU’LL BURN IN HELL FOREVER!”
“That’s only true,” you say, “if the particles have to decide what they are going to be beforehand.”
“It’s not going to work,” says your friend, crossing his arms and gnashing his teeth. “We’re going to be on separate planets for God’s sake and we’re going to be asked simultaneously! The particles aren’t going to have time to make the ‘right’ decision any more than we would with our radios. It takes way longer than 3 seconds for any signal to travel between planets.”
“It will work,” you say. “They’ve tested it. No one knows how the particles do it, but they do do it.”
Now Mr. Fetal Position has more or less recovered and he’s got some questions. “Okay,” he says, “you’ve got three particles on separate planets and I can find out about the third particle by measuring the other two. For example, I might get a ‘Same’ answer from one particle and a ‘Yes’ answer from another particle which means I am guaranteed to get a ‘Yes’ from the third particle. Also, I can decide to measure Yes-or-No for two particles and if I get ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ then I know for certain that the third particle will say, ‘Different.’ So I can determine the answer to any question for any particle without ever coming anywhere near it.”
“That’s right,” you say.
“But at the same time, the particles cannot have decided beforehand what they are going to be because there is no previous decision that will give the Devil his due and save our souls which is why I’ve been in the fetal position for the last few hours. Right?”
“Yes.”
“But when I measure two of the particles, the third particle that is on a different planet and that could not possibly have decided what it was beforehand now suddenly decides what it is going to be. Right?”
“Yes.”
“So the particles can communicate with each other instantly! That’s what you’re saying. Sorry, but that’s impossible. No way, no how, absolutely not,” insists your friend, his eyes starting to glisten again, the blood running out of his face. “It’s really, really hot in here,” he says, stumbling a bit even though he wasn’t trying to walk. “Have you noticed that?”
“Well,” you say, gripping your friend’s shoulders and staring into his eyes, “I guess the particles do appear to be communicating instantly. The physicists even have a name for this phenomenon – they say quantum mechanics is ‘weakly non-local’ which I guess means the particles act as if they are talking to each other but they don’t talk loud enough for us to hear. Anyway, I’ll make the apparatus and we’ll see what happens. I can get anything I ask for and I had a good teacher in that crazy class I took way back when so I don’t think it will be a problem to build the equipment. We can test it thoroughly, so we’ll know it works before we try it.”
More and more stuff appears and soon, with the help of the internet and the supernatural procurement abilities of the Devil himself, you are ready to give your friends their instructions: “If you are asked whether the answers will be the Same or Different, set your meter to “X” and press the red button to get the measurement. If the result says ‘Spin Up’ then answer ‘Same’ and if the result says ‘Spin Down,’ answer ‘Different.’ If you are asked whether or not you like to stroll in the cemetery at night, set your meter to ‘Y’ and press the red button. ‘Spin Up’ means ‘Yes’ and ‘Spin Down’ means ‘No.’ That’s all there is to it. As long as we can meet before each round, we can set up the equipment and we’ll be fine.”
“What exactly are we doing?” one friend asks.
“We have three particles that were produced together in a particular quantum state. If you measure the x-component of spin of one particle by shooting it through a magnetic field, that will determine whether the y-components of the other two particles are the same or different. So if the x-component of any of the three particles reads as up, the y-components of the other two particles will be the same – either both up or both down. If the x-component of any particle reads as down, the y-components of the other two particles will be different – either up and down or down and up. The best part is if you measure the x-components of each of the three particles, you will always get either three downs or two ups and a down even though this should be impossible. You can always find out what one particle is by measuring the other two, but if you try to write down what the particles might decide to be before any measurements are made, your written list will never give the results of these experiments.”
“Amazing,” one friend says. “You’d think you couldn’t get three downs for the x-components because that implies all three pairs of y-components are different which is absurd. And if you get two ups and a down for the x-components, that implies the y-components have two pairs the same and one pair different at the same time which is also impossible. Incredible.”
“Not if these particles have some sort of special magic web of communication between them that works instantly,” says your other friend, his words laced with an odd mixture of skepticism and foreboding. “Has this little trick of yours ever been tried with the three particles on three different planets?” he asks.
“Well, no,” you say, “but it works in the lab with the measurements happening almost exactly simultaneously, so it should continue to work for us even if we are placed in rooms millions of miles apart and asked simultaneously. Many physicists are truly puzzled by this behavior of the particles so they’ve checked it many times. I know this will work.”
At that moment, the whole place erupts in white-hot flames. Your friends, terrified and bewildered, run as far from the flames as possible as all your equipment begins to bubble and smoke and melt into lava. You calmly walk through the flames untouched and unharmed smiling at your cowering friends. You scoop up some melting plastic and metal and glass and form it into a ball without burning your hands. Your voice is strong and clear, your confidence returned, your fear a thing of the past: “C’,mon HONEY,” you say rather loudly, “don’t you want to come play catch with me? What’s the matter – sore loser? Poor devil! Ha-ha. Get it? I feel so bad for you! Better luck next time, you dirty little outcast, you filthy bottom-dwelling worm, you disgusting . . . “
Suddenly you are in your kitchen standing next to your wife at the very instant you were taken. This time you know it’s really her. “What’s for dinner?” she says.
“Anything you want, baby.”
Relativity – Introduction
Physicists don’t say things like “Polonius wasn’t a caricature of Lord Burghley.” They are protected from the more egregious blunders by skeptical experimenters who test all the theories. Effectively, physicists get to “look in the back of the book,” or, if you like, they get to “ask God what the answer is.”
So it is probably actually true that if you put mom on a spaceship and send her off at just under the speed of light, when she gets back, she’ll have aged only a few years while decades will have passed on Earth. You might wind up older than your mom! This particular experiment hasn’t been tried (yet), but physicists have good reasons for saying they know what would happen. I wouldn’t bet against them. Where they go wrong is in claiming that we understand it. We don’t. Even Einstein didn’t understand it.
In 2000 words or less, you can catch right up with Einstein. Ready? Set. Go!
Throwing Things in a Speed-Limited Universe
Speeds add. Suppose you are standing in the back of a pickup truck going at 20 mph and you see a street sign 100 feet in front of the truck. If you can throw a rock at the modest speed of 15 mph and if you throw it forward while the truck is moving, the rock will be going at 35 mph. It will make a satisfying clang when it hits the street sign. Or imagine you are traveling at 80 mph in the truck and you “gently” toss the rock out of the truck – if it hits a street sign, it will do a lot of damage because it still has the 80 mph from the truck.
So don’t be tossing objects out of speeding pickups, okay? Glad we could clear that up.
Let’s switch to an airplane. If you are flying in an airplane at 599 mph and walk briskly (say, at 4 mph) toward the front of the plane, you will be going at 603 mph. If you throw a baseball at 50 mph toward the front of the plane, it will be a blistering 649 mph fastball. If you shoot a B.B. forward at 599 mph, it’s actual speed will be 1198 mph.
We don’t need Einstein yet. Sure, people on the plane say the baseball goes 50 mph and people on the ground say it goes 649 mph, but this minor difference in perspective is not relativity. Everyone agrees on how much time it takes the baseball to hit the wall (a second or so) and that’s all that matters to physicists.
But what if there’s a universal speed limit? There’s no obvious reason for any limit on speed, so you may need to eat some hallucinogenic mushrooms before you can accept this idea. (Having a Ph.D. in physics doesn’t make the idea seem any less crazy to me – pass the ‘shrooms please.) Okay, imagine that nothing in the universe can ever go faster than 600 mph no matter what. Now if you fly on a plane going 599 mph, you can’t walk toward the front of the plane at 4 mph because that would break the speed limit. Obviously, this is going to cause some problems.
In this speed-limited universe, weird things happen. The B.B. is absolutely not allowed to go anywhere near 1198 mph. The best it can manage is a speed just under 600 mph. But even rounded up to 600 mph, the B.B. bizarrely creeps toward the front of the plane at 1 lousy little mph. That is, the speed of the B.B. relative to the plane is only 1 mph; even though it was shot out of a gun, it takes more than a minute to travel across a 100-foot airplane cabin.
All three of our speeds must fit into the narrow space between 599 and 600 mph. The baseball is now a very special kind of pitch we might call a superslowball; it reaches the front of the cabin more than seven minutes after being thrown. And the person trying to walk at 4 mph gives new meaning to the idea of a leisurely stroll: he doesn’t get to the forward lavatory for almost an hour and a half.
But – and now it gets even stranger – since everything on the plane slows down to obey the speed limit, including people’s thoughts, no one notices anything amiss. People on the plane say, “We shot a B.B. into the front wall and played catch and walked around and everything seemed fine.” But then they get a bit of a shock. Their transatlantic flight that was supposed to require 6 hours of cruising is mind-blowingly over in 20 minutes: “We’ll be landing now,” says the pilot. “What’s going on?” say the passengers. “We can’t be there yet!”
But they are. They’ve traveled across the Atlantic Ocean in 20 minutes (for them) and arrived in Europe 6 hours later right on schedule. One person wearing a heart monitor confirms that his heart only beat 1200 times during the flight. The speed limit was never broken by the plane or by any object moving on board the plane, BUT they somehow covered a distance of almost 3600 miles in 20 minutes (on their watches). A little girl who was on the plane says, “OMG, the ocean must’ve shrunk while we were on the plane and then expanded when we landed, WOW!”
(Years later, when the little girl gets a degree in physics, she learns that this phenomenon is called “length contraction” and that it goes hand in hand with “time dilation,” but the phrase, “expanded when we landed,” still trips off her tongue like a song when she is hired by the airline to help bring passengers “up to speed” on the experience of flying close to the universal limit.)
That’s Einstein’s theory of relativity. There’s nothing fancy, nothing difficult to understand: if there’s a universal speed limit, everything on a plane traveling close to the limit has to move slowly to avoid going “too fast.” That’s all there is to the theory from a conceptual standpoint. No one knows how there can be a speed limit to the universe. All we can say, and all Einstein said, is that there is apparently a speed limit whether we like it or not.
In the paper Einstein wrote while his boss at the patent office wasn’t looking, he figured out the mathematical details of how his hypothetical speed limit would have to work. Basically no matter what speed you add to 599 mph, you have to get a speed at or below 600 mph. So 599 + 4 equals 599 and a fraction; 599 + 50 equals 599 and a bigger fraction; 599 + 599 equals almost 600; and 599 + 600 equals exactly 600. Pretty crazy, but there is math that will do that and it’s no fancier than ninth grade algebra. If you are Einstein and if you don’t care about the entire physics establishment and if you have nothing to lose and if you are willing to assume there is a speed limit, then you figure out the math of this new universe, send your paper to the physics journal, and get back to work before the boss catches you.
Of course, Einstein used the speed of light as the speed limit rather than 600 mph. So on a ship traveling at the speed of light minus one mile per hour, a laser mounted on the tail of the ship may be fired forward, but the beam goes at the speed of light and no faster. Since the beam travels only 1 mph faster than the ship, it creeps toward the front of the ship at a decidedly unhurried pace. If the ship is a mile long, it takes an hour for the laser beam to reach the front of the ship. But a solid hour on the one hand is virtually instantaneous on the other hand. On the ship, the laser beam shoots to the front and out into space at the speed of light as all good laser beams should. No mere illusion, this apparent contradiction could exist, Einstein reasoned, only if he was willing to give up everything he thought he knew about space and time.
So he did. He was like that. Lasers and B.B.’s and baseballs, walking and heartbeats and even thoughts – and time itself if there is such a thing – must go slow or there can be no speed limit. The operation of any clock – whether it’s one that goes tick-tock or a clock based on radioactive decay or even a ball bouncing once per second – is affected in exactly the same way. By applying a mathematical correction to all measurements of time and to all motion, Einstein was able to “explain” what would happen on a spaceship. He did not tell us how time could slow down or even clear up what this thing called time was exactly beyond saying it is what a clock measures. He wasn’t keeping secrets; he simply didn’t know. Don’t be mad.
A Crazy Idea Turns 100
More than a century ago now some patent clerk no one had ever heard of had a mathematically consistent theory about a speed-limited universe. Big deal. The journal editor who published Einstein’s paper figured (quite reasonably) that his theory was almost certainly wrong. The editor let the paper through anyway because even a wrong but carefully-constructed theory is an interesting thing for physicists to kick around. Nowadays, interesting ideas take much longer to propagate in the physics community partly because journal editors are far, far more conservative. But this was 1905.
Seventeen years later, when Einstein received a Nobel Prize, the committee still couldn’t bring itself to mention relativity because there was a lingering thought that the theory might be as crazy as it sounded: publishing a paper that may be wrong is one thing, awarding a Nobel Prize quite another. The Nobel committee’s caution was neither surprising nor excessive. Once particle accelerators were invented however, relativity could be tested and even the most skeptical of the skeptics became convinced. Today, most physicists say we understand it all perfectly well; the implication is that there is no mystery. The scientists are kidding themselves, mistaking impressive experimental evidence for real understanding.
The most obvious way to test relativity is to try to make a B.B. go faster than the speed of light. B.B’s are kind of big so we have to settle for electrons. At first, electrons behave just like cars – the more gas you give them, the faster they go. But then . . . you push the electron more and more and it looks at you and says, “that’ll be fine, thanks.” At 99.99% of the speed of light, you angrily triple the amount of energy you are putting in, dimming the lights of your entire city – and you get another 9 plus a lot of irate phone calls. You can (and we do) triple the energy input again and again and again – all you get are more 9′s, just about one more each time you triple the energy exactly as Einstein predicted.
But wait. If we go back to the plane example, we see that the passengers can shoot a B.B. into the front wall or throw a baseball hard into the front wall of the cabin thereby causing substantial damage to the wall. But the B.B. and baseball actually approach the wall very slowly which means they should not damage the wall. Aha! Einstein must be wrong because the the damage is there and is undeniable. How are the physicists going to explain that one? Gotcha!
Believe it or not, they have an answer. At speeds close to the speed limit of the universe, objects get heavier. That’s right, they magically acquire more mass. The B.B. and the baseball did all that damage because they were extra heavy. Einstein’s equations say an electron traveling at 99.9999% of the speed of light has 700 times more mass than usual. According to Einstein, when you crash together two relativistic electrons, you should get a shower of hundreds of particles big, medium, and small.
Right. Sure. You collide two marbles and get showered by bowling balls. Total nonsense . . .
Of course, it happens just as Einstein predicted. The particle showers are indeed spectacular. In fact, all of the trillions of heavy and light, exotic and ordinary, stable and unstable, expected and unexpected particles created in collisions at accelerators every day just appear out of thin air – energy is magically turned into matter according to a prediction made before particle accelerators were even imagined.
Physicists next tried speeding up unstable (radioactive) particles to see if their internal “clocks” would go in slow motion. We don’t know how unstable particles decide when to decay into other particles but they do decay on a schedule and that schedule is slowed down exactly as Einstein predicts. Same goes for clocks on airplanes. Put a super-accurate clock on an airplane, fly it around the world, and it comes back behind by the number of nanoseconds predicted by relativity. Clocks on GPS satellites are thrown off by thousands of nanoseconds per day due to relativity. But even a 100 nanosecond error would be unacceptable (here, “unacceptable” means the following: your passenger jet coming in for a landing misses the runway). But don’t worry, the the GPS are routinely adjusted for relativistic effects.
Do You Believe in Psychics?
Imagine if someone who claimed to be psychic put a prediction in a sealed envelope and wrote “open at 2:15 pm tomorrow” on it and handed it to you. At 2 pm the next day, you have finished shopping at your regular grocery store, but on the way home realize you forgot to buy Pop-Tarts, so you stop at the Ultimart where you buy the all important pastries and, while counting your change, you bump into a tall, thin man which causes you to drop a 1958 penny, a 1963 nickel, and a 1967 quarter heads up on the floor. You happen to notice the three dates when you pick up your change. You then open the sealed envelope and it says, “At 2:10 pm tomorrow you will go to the Ultimart to buy Pop-Tarts where you will bump into a tall, thin man . . . blah, blah, blah, . . . and a 1967 quarter.” You are amazed but remain skeptical. Over the next few months, the psychic provides 10 more accurate, detailed predictions. Then he tells you, the person who doesn’t believe in psychics, to go buy a lottery ticket at the Ultimart. Guess what? Now you believe in psychics. He may be wrong about the lottery ticket, but his previous predictions have been so impressive that nothing is going to come between you and your destiny. You’re grabbing your car keys before the guy even finishes talking . . .
We haven’t tried it with a person yet so we don’t know for certain that you can actually effectively travel into the future (there’s no going back) by traveling at relativistic speeds, turning around, and coming home. Physicists believe it simply because all of the testable predictions have been both incredibly detailed and repeatedly confirmed. These same scientists are dying to find deviations from relativity – no one’s going to win a Nobel Prize just for confirming the theory – but so far no dice (the superluminal neutrinos recently seen turned out to be a loose wire).
Someday, someone will actually climb into a ship and travel at nearly the speed of light for 20 years of our time, reach a star about 20 light years from here, turn around, and come home, taking another 20 years for the return trip. If the physicists are correct, this person will, while on the ship, experience life as usual except that the star that seemed to be 20 light years away when she started the trip from Earth, will, as soon has the ship is up to speed, seem to be only a couple of light years away. The traveler will arrive at this “close” star in only 2 years or so of her time, slow down, stop, and see Earth 20 light years away. She will marvel at how she managed to travel 20 light years in only 2 years.
When she gets back into her ship and gets back up to high speed, the return-trip distance will again appear to be only 2 light years. The traveler will arrive on Earth having aged 4 years plus a bit more for the speeding up and slowing down parts of the trip; meanwhile, 40 years will have passed on Earth.
Would this really happen? You know everything you need to know to form an opinion. And your opinion is as good as anyone’s. Pay your money, take your choice, volunteer for the first relativistic trip – you’ll get to see the future. Maybe.
P.S. Note that I haven’t explained how it was that Einstein was able to guess that the speed of light was a universal limit. In a certain sense it doesn’t matter, since he was right. But it is an interesting question for a future post. TK
P.P.S. I also haven’t explained why people on the ship observe Earth clocks ticking faster (they have to since time on Earth passes faster than time on the ship). You can read my paper in the November 2006 issue of Foundations of Physics Letters but I recommend waiting for the relevant post. TK
Shakespeare Authorship – Short Version
Mark Twain, Sigmund Freud, Walt Whitman and others thought Shakespeare didn’t write Shakespeare. Today, an enormous and growing number of very bright people including U.S. Supreme Court Justices Stevens, Scalia, and O’Connor are patiently waiting for academia to come to its senses.
William Shakespeare of Stratford-upon-Avon grew up in a small bookless home with two illiterate parents. He neither wrote nor received any letters during his well-documented life as a successful businessman, theater investor, and bit part actor. Shakespeare died in a large bookless home surrounded by his two illiterate children.
According to the conventional theory, Shakespeare was not just a bit part actor and theater investor but a great writer as well – the Shakespeare. This fusion of professions would have been unusual for the time but by no means impossible. His letters all seem to have been lost, however and it is most unfortunate that none of his friends or business associates or family members or neighbors ever referred to him as a writer while he was alive. Even more unfortunate is the fact that Shakespeare left a will directing the disbursement of a number of items including a sword to Thomas Combe, his “wearing Apparrell” to his sister Joan, a silver bowl to his daughter Judith, his second-best bed to his wife, and his “goodes, Chattel, Leases, plate, Jewels, and household stuffe” to his daughter Susanna, but apparently made other arrangements for his books. It’s almost as if he wanted all of us kooks to say, centuries later, “Aha! The most well-read man in England didn’t own any books! The game’s afoot!”
And then there are the signatures. The only samples of Shakespeare’s handwriting unfortunately do nothing to allay the suspicions of Justice O’Connor and other nuts.
The scrawls that launched a thousand theories are reproduced below. Even if you are a straight up sort of person, you might notice an odd inconsistency in the signatures. The last appears to have contributions from two people. Signatures of several well-known Elizabethan writers are provided for comparison.
Maybe Shakespeare just had bad handwriting. However, an unexplainable printed item appeared in 1609 when Thomas Thorpe published “SHAKE-SPEARES SONNETS.” On the first page, Thorpe refers to Shakespeare the author as “our ever-living poet.” At the same time, another Shakespeare, the ever-living semi-literate businessman, was merrily making money, evading taxes, and suing his neighbors, unconcerned about this early eulogy.
Traditional scholars have tried to explain away the signatures and the “ever-living poet” reference. They can’t, except to say these hints do not constitute proof. But there’s another problem for the hardened traditionalists: the plays are full of “inside baseball” from Queen Elizabeth’s court and, while the courtly insider writing the plays may not have wanted his name bandied about, it isn’t particularly hard to guess his identity.
In Hamlet, Polonius is an obvious caricature of William Cecil, Lord Burghley, the Queen’s closest advisor and the most powerful man in England. Also in the play are Polonius’s daughter Ophelia, prospective son-in-law Hamlet, and son Laertes. The Laertes character is obviously based on Burghley’s son, Thomas. Like his real-life counterpart, Laertes went to Paris, partied a lot, and was spied upon by his father’s informants.
There are a number of suggestive if not definitive parallels between the character Hamlet and Edward de Vere, the seventeenth Earl of Oxford, who is quite likely to have been the real Shakespeare. De Vere was Burghley’s son-in-law in real life – he had a troubled marriage with the great man’s daughter, Anne. Like Hamlet, de Vere lost his father early in life. And there’s a rather specific parallel too: in the play, Hamlet was captured by pirates and left “naked” on shore; the same thing happened to de Vere including the detail “naked” which appears in the historical record. And then there’s Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern.
The famous pair of rubes from Hamlet, Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern, cross paths with de Vere through his brother-in-law who visited the Danish court at Elsinore in 1582 as an ambassador. Upon his return to England, the ambassador produced a handwritten report of his experiences that was not published. The report includes meeting the real Rosenkrantz and the real Guildenstern as well as other little details – like the Danish King’s penchant for firing canon before each round of drinks – that de Vere (apparently) used to create the setting for Hamlet.
On the other hand, Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern were common Danish surnames, so Shakespeare could perhaps have seen or heard the names somewhere and could have read up on court life in Denmark and then could have put it all into “his” play – assuming (a) he was capable of writing a complete sentence and (b) Thorpe was mistaken when he referred to him as dead in 1609. Personally, I think Shakespeare probably did know the names Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern – he would have heard them in London, at a presentation of Hamlet.
Hamlet alone makes a decent case for de Vere especially if you read the play and absorb the context: whoever wrote it hated Burghley – it was a deep and personal loathing that makes perfect sense for de Vere who lived his whole life under the thumb of the powerful and doctrinaire Lord Treasurer. The sheer nastiness of the parody makes no sense for Shakespeare – beyond possibly picking up some court gossip, the businessman/actor knew little of Burghley and probably never met him.
Faced with the Polonius-Hamlet-Burghley-de Vere connection, which is far from a smoking gun in any case, some traditional scholars have taken the remarkable step of denying that Polonius is meant to be Burghley! This is absurd. It’s as if a political cartoonist drew a picture of a skinny black guy with big ears saying, “Stimulus! Hope! Change!” and a bunch of academics pretended they didn’t know who it was. The Polonius/Burghley identification is more than 100 years old and is fully established – Michael Prescott’s blog has details if you are interested.
The connections between the plays and de Vere’s life go on and on. One has to keep in mind (traditionalists will remind us) that events in plays like marriage and conflict and death and being captured by pirates and left naked on the beach tend to be universal, so any given play can be connected to almost anyone’s life in one way or another. Whether a particular connection is convincing is always a judgment call. Here are some more examples:
The street battles between the Montagues and the Capulets in Romeo and Juliet have a real-life parallel – de Vere’s men and members of the family of his lover, Anne Vavasour, engaged in multiple and deadly sword fights on the streets of London in 1582.
Dogberry’s speech about lying knaves in Much Ado About Nothing is a fairly faithful parody of libelous testimony produced by one of de Vere’s enemies, a man named Arundell. Prescott’s blog has both the real and fictional versions of the Arundell/Dogberry testimony.
Mark Anderson, in Shakespeare by Another Name, discusses all of the plays in the context of de Vere’s life and provides an avalanche of circumstantial evidence for de Vere as the author.
Even sans Anderson, de Vere seems to show up everywhere one looks. Consider: In 1623, the famous First Folio was published. That year, with both the real Shakespeare and the stand-in long dead, the number of printed Shakespeare plays suddenly doubled with 18 previously-unpublished plays including Macbeth and Taming of the Shrew appearing in the monumental 36-play compilation. Who was responsible for the historic First Folio project? Edward de Vere’s family of course. The First Folio was dedicated to and (therefore) bankrolled by de Vere’s son-in-law, the Earl of Montgomery. Montgomery happened to be married to de Vere’s youngest daughter, Susan.
So much for the plays. Going back to the sonnets, we have already found the traditional theory beginning to unravel with the “early eulogy” that appears on the first page. Reading a bit further, we find that nothing about the sonnets – neither the person they were written to nor the self-reflections provided by the author – fits with Shakespeare. But de Vere shows up once again.
The subject of the first 126 sonnets is almost certainly the Earl of Southampton – on this point, most everyone agrees. Shakespeare’s two epic poems published in 1593 and 1594 were overtly and effusively dedicated to the young earl. The sonnets have no author’s dedication, but sonnet 107 appears to chronicle Southampton’s release from prison upon the Queen’s death in 1603. Also, the first 17 sonnets, known as the marriage sonnets, are a series of urgent, passionate pleas to someone to marry and produce an heir. As Southampton was indeed under intense pressure to marry a particular young woman in the early 1590′s, he does fit rather well as the “fair youth” of the sonnets.
The story of Southampton and the marriage sonnets stars the illimitable Lord Burghley who appears again because he was Southampton’s guardian with the power to order him to marry a young woman named Elizabeth who happened to be Burghley’s own grand-daughter. The ever-calculating Burghley knew well how to goose his family’s aristocratic credentials – that’s why he had married his daughter, Anne, to Edward de Vere, England’s highest-ranking earl. This time around, things didn’t go Burghley’s way, however. The story ends with Southampton refusing Burghley’s choice and suffering a heavy fine levied against his estate.
No one has ever figured out what possible connection Shakespeare could have had to this famous Elizabethan family drama, but the spurned young woman’s full name was Elizabeth Vere – she was of course Edward de Vere and Anne Cecil’s eldest daughter. This doesn’t mean de Vere wrote the sonnets, but he at least had some connection to Southampton. As royal wards, Southampton and de Vere had grown up in the same household – 23 years apart – under the watchful eye of Lord Burghley. The 23-year age difference between Southampton and de Vere is just right.
The age difference between the author and his subject is one of the major themes underlying the entire sequence of 126 “fair youth” sonnets. It is impossible (unless you have special training!) to read the sonnets without being struck by the author’s intense preoccupation with youth, age, and aging and his deep love of and identification with his young subject. Here’s a taste of what traditional scholars must studiously ignore:
Sonnet 2 – Your children will give you comfort as you age: When forty winters shall besiege thy brow . . .
Sonnet 3 – Fond memories of the boy’s mother as a young woman: Thou art thy mother’s glass and she in thee/Calls back the lovely April of her prime.
Sonnet 22 – Strong identification with his young subject: My glass shall not persuade me I am old/So long as youth and thou are of one date . . .
Sonnet 73 – A lament about his own aging: That time of year thou mayst in me behold/When yellow leaves or none or few do hang/Upon those boughs which shake against the cold/Bare ruined choirs where late the sweet birds sang . . .
Sonnet 107 – Confidence that his poetry will live beyond his own waning life: . . . death to me subscribes/Since, spite of him, I’ll live in this poor rhyme.
Sonnet 126 – Goodbye and one last warning about Nature’s unbreakable rules: O thou, my lovely boy . . . Her audit (though delayed) answered must be.
When Southampton was released from prison and a solidly middle-aged author – whoever he was – wrote sonnet 107 celebrating the death of Queen Elizabeth, the ascension of King James, and the restoration of Southampton’s earldom, William Shakespeare, gent. had still not yet seen forty winters. Shakespeare, just 9 years older than “his” subject, turned 26 in 1590, as far as we know never met Southampton, most likely had not had occasion to admire the boy’s mother in the lovely April of her prime or at any other time, arguably was not on hand upon Southampton’s miraculous deliverance from the Tower, and would have been hard-pressed to embrace the earl and say “My love looks fresh . . .“
The history of the sonnets fits perfectly with their intimate contents: the poems are first mentioned in 1598 by Meres who notes their circulation amongst the author’s “private friends.” These poems – effectively personal letters written by the great author to his “lovely boy” – were finally published more than a decade later with what looks an awful lot like a eulogy. So the sonnets read as personal, were in fact circulated privately, and were apparently so private they could not be published during the author’s lifetime.
William Shakespeare, gent. was the wrong age, had the wrong friends and the wrong social status, and died at the wrong time. De Vere, who turned 40 in 1590 and died a year after sonnet 107 was written, fits rather well although we don’t know anything about the nature of the relationship between de Vere and Southampton beyond their common upbringing and de Vere’s connection to the Southampton marriage drama.
Experts say Thorpe’s dedication was not a eulogy (the experts could be right: “our ever-living poet” could mean a lot of things) and the sonnets were not personal (again, the experts could be right: maybe the entire sequence was commissioned). The experts leave it at that – there’s no undeniable proof showing Shakespeare wasn’t the author so the topic is not worthy of serious discussion. The experts hold that the sonnets were not autobiographical because (reasoning circularly) they don’t fit with Shakespeare’s life. On the other hand, if you read the sonnets and get an inkling even for a microsecond that they might be autobiographical, you will find yourself dangerously close to heresy.
As if to slap the experts around a bit, the sonnets tell us directly and repeatedly that the author is using a pseudonym. Needless to say, the following lines have no effect whatsoever on the typical Shakespeare scholar.
Sonnet 76: . . . every word doth almost tell my name.
Sonnet 66: Tired with these for restful death I cry . . . art made tongue-tied by authority.
Sonnet 72: My name be buried where my body is/And live no more to shame nor me nor you.
Sonnet 81: Your name from hence immortal life shall have/Though I (once gone) to all the world must die.
When sonnet 81 was written, the name “Shakespeare” had been famous for years. Mark Twain thought it was laughable that people thought Shakespeare was a writer. But he didn’t know about de Vere. I’m sure even Samuel Clemens would be surprised at the stubbornness of the mainstream now that de Vere has emerged as the likely user of the pseudonym “Shakespeare.”
Let’s sum up.
1. Every Elizabethan author except for Shakespeare left behind things like personal letters, manuscripts, books, books with inscriptions, records of payment for writing etc. – indications of literacy beyond bylines.
2. Thorpe’s reference to the author as “our ever-living poet,” in the publisher’s dedication on the first page of the sonnets is a eulogy and not just any eulogy. It is a Shakespearean eulogy from Henry VI Part 1: ” . . . our scarce cold conqueror/That ever-living man of memory/Henry the Fifth.”
3. Lord Burghley was expertly and viciously parodied in Hamlet as the character Polonius. The fact that Hamlet was involved with the parody’s daughter in the play and that de Vere was married to the real Burghley’s daughter is certainly interesting if nothing else. The business about being captured by pirates and being left “naked” on shore is a pretty strong and pretty exact parallel. The fact that Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern happen to appear so close to de Vere’s life is just the beginning of an extremely strong circumstantial case.
4. The two epic poems were dedicated to Southampton. The sonnets appear to be written to Southampton and the first 17 are an impassioned plea for him to marry. It was Edward de Vere’s daughter, Elizabeth, whom Southampton was supposed to marry in the early 1590′s.
5. The sonnets read like personal letters and were circulated privately for more than 15 years before being published. The author passionately and repeatedly emphasizes the age gap that separates him from his subject. If the sonnets are personal writings, it is contextually impossible for Shakespeare to have written them in his twenties and thirties. The experts agree and simply say the sonnets weren’t personal, dismissing them as “poetical exercises.”
6. Shakespeare states in the sonnets that he is using a pseudonym. He says outright, “I (once gone) to all the world must die” along with a number of similar statements sprinkled throughout the sonnets. This is exactly what happened. Edward de Vere published nothing in his own name as an adult, was nevertheless repeatedly praised as a great writer by his contemporaries, and was eventually forgotten for lack of a byline.
7. It was de Vere’s son-in-law who bankrolled the First Folio in which 18 unpublished Shakespeare plays suddenly appeared. The conventional assumption is that Shakespeare’s acting company had been storing the 18 manuscripts for a decade or more without ever publishing any of them.
8. The experts concede no points and do not provide a serious discussion even though they are the best equipped to do so. The experts act as if they know de Vere might well have been Shakespeare but for some reason feel duty bound to deny, deny, deny. Anyone who says Polonius wasn’t a parody of Burghley tips his hand.
After de Vere died and after the semi-literate Shakespeare had died, a monument was built in Stratford implying that Shakespeare, the businessman, theater investor, and bit part actor, was some kind of genius. Hemminge and Condell, two men who were part of Shakespeare’s acting company and who were mentioned in his will, were listed as the editors of the First Folio. In addition, in the preface to the Folio, a couple of hints were dropped implying the author was from Stratford.
Suddenly, the man who owned no books and whose entire immediate family was illiterate had hard evidence indicating that he was in fact the William Shakespeare whose erudition and breadth of knowledge were unmatched at the time. It worked perfectly. Four hundred years later, Shakespeare is assumed to have done the impossible by virtue of his great genius. He became well-versed in classical literature in half a dozen different languages and amassed knowledge of music, falconry, war, Italy, law, seamanship, botany, and astronomy along with a vocabulary that dwarfed his contemporaries even though he had limited access to books and no access to higher education – a charming story if there ever was one.
And so the scam became a full-fledged hoax. In a little pamphlet, Mark Twain expressed surprise that anyone would fall for it. In fact, everyone fell for it. Today, the fact that it worked so well is the primary reason it continues to work: few are willing to believe any hoax could be so stunningly successful. Maybe the academics are simply too embarrassed to admit they may have been duped.
It is certainly tempting to believe that “talent will out,” that genius can overcome great obstacles. The fact that this is not true, even today, doesn’t make the platitude any the less enticing. But platitudes cannot not make that false which has always been true and a comforting falsehood can do more harm than good. It’s too bad, because as Shakespearean actor Sir Derek Jacobi has pointed out, knowing the life from which the plays and poems emerged immeasurably adds to our ability to understand and appreciate them.
It may be that Jacobi and other de Vere partisans are wrong. After all, such a monumentally successful hoax must be regarded as inherently unlikely. On the other hand, the traditional Shakespeare story is itself inherently unlikely. Reasonable people can disagree, but why are the academics so unwilling to admit even the possibility that Sir Derek may be right? Methinks they doth protest too much.
A Blueprint for Occupy
Read the short article Budget Fairy Tales, Left and Right by economist Robert Samuelson if you are susceptible to fairy tales. And let’s face it, we all want to believe whatever fits our worldview – political parties have always exploited this tendency. But fairy tales have caused actual suffering in Greece and are now coming horrifyingly to roost here in the United States. If only there were a party, movement, or even an ad hoc group based on something more substantial than utter nonsense . . .
Occupy Wall Street is our latest embryonic political party. They are an inspiring group with a compelling message of fairness. Unfortunately, the tiniest speck of cynicism leads to the conclusion that their ultimate contribution will be an American version of the now-famous Greek complaint: “Why can’t we have more free money?!”
If you want to know what fairy tales have done to Greece and to the rest of Europe, read Boomerang: Travels in the New Third World by Michael Lewis. He should have called it, “Democracy: A Worst Case Scenario.” Are we next? Is Occupy just another whine-fest?
Hope springs eternal. Maybe Occupy will decide to champion actual governing. Sure, start with Wall Street. Then get really radical and look beyond the fraction of the 1% involved in banking and demand fiscal responsibility from everyone. The 8 “demands” listed below are things we are going to have to do sooner or later anyway.
In at least one parallel universe, there is an Occupy that is not irrelevant. This is its blueprint.
1. Ban financial weapons of mass destruction.
This is an easy one.
Derivatives with cute names like credit default swap, collaterallized debt obligation, asset-backed security, and structured investment vehicle are almost always pure gambling and have strayed so far from their original purpose that bankers talking about efficient markets have to take acting lessons to keep a straight face. Some derivatives trading is even more toxic: a complex derivative may be purposely designed with a “bad” side and a “good” side the idea being to find a bank stupid enough to take the “bad” side.
Gambling and gamesmanship don’t make an ounce of sense at the societal level: they create economic instability. The risks don’t even make sense at the institutional level: the founders of Lehman Brothers (1850-2008), Bear Stearns (1923-2009) , and Merrill Lynch (1914-2008) are rolling in their graves. The risks do make sense for individual traders because a good trader can quickly vacuum up enough cash to guarantee lifelong wealth for himself, his children, his grandchildren, and his great-grandchildren. Worst case, the trader has to update his resume when his institution collapses.
If individual traders were getting rich losing reckless investors’ money, that would be fine. But they’re using taxpayer money, money belonging to conservative investors, and money they don’t have to play roulette with the world economy. When the banks went under en masse, we found out we were all all in whether we liked it or not.
There was a law against gambling taxpayer money but the Glass-Steagall Act of 1933 separating federally-insured banking from private investment was repealed by Bill Clinton and a Republican Congress in 1999. The vote was 90-8 in the Senate and 362-57 in the House despite dire warnings from a handful of people who knew better. Glass-Steagall must be reinstated immediately; anyone who disagrees should be heckled off the podium.
Once we’ve taken this obvious first step, the foulest derivatives, starting with mortgage-backed securities, should be banned outright. Other, less toxic derivatives can exist in a separate market open only to standalone companies specializing in high risk. A smart and/or well-connected trader, no longer backed by trillions in free public insurance, might only be able to make 10 million dollars a year. Too bad.
Congress is not on our side. Even mild proposals to curb the banks were dead on arrival. Obama gave the bankers cabinet posts and signed a slap-on-the-wrist financial reform bill called Dodd-Frank. Meanwhile, Obama’s opponents bemoan Dodd-Frank as too much (!!!) regulation and quietly celebrate. No doubt you are shocked . . . shocked to learn of the banks’ influence in Washington.
The oval office is empty and we have few friends in the Capitol. The crisis is building. The proportion of high-risk investments in banks’ portfolios has actually increased since 2008. Consolidation has increased too: banks that were too big to fail are now too big to bail. When the next collapse comes, there may not be enough money in the whole world to save our financial system.
Are you concerned about a final financial collapse? Are you willing to risk living in a world full of capitalism-hating radicals chanting I TOLD YOU SO forever?
Can you accept a government that won’t regulate the banks?
2. Stop extending the Bush tax cuts.
A mindless pledge to never raise taxes gives our politics the feel of a shot of heroin. Even worse, we hear politicians saying if Congress ever honors the sunset clause built into the Bush tax cuts, that’s raising taxes and that’s a no-no. So heroin isn’t enough, we’re supposed to sip cyanide. I’ll drink a little tea (see demand #8 below) but I draw the line at heroin and cyanide.
The Bush tax cuts included a sunset clause for a very good reason – to prevent the country from going bankrupt. We are ignoring our own rules and digging ourselves into a hole at the rate of 25 million dollars an hour. Companies aren’t hiring because the solvency of the government itself is in question. This is insane.
The Bush tax cuts must be allowed to expire for everyone as originally planned. The part of the Bush temporary tax cut disaster that applies to the middle class costs $200 billion a year in increased deficits; the upper end of the tax cut hands a small number of wealthy people a relatively large amount of money but only adds $30 billion or so to the total cost. If Occupy wants to be taken seriously, they should make a clean break from both dysfunctional parties and back the full expiration of the Bush tax cuts.
Suppose you are attempting Mount Everest climbing above 27,000 feet where life is tenuous at best and suppose you and your team had been smart enough to set a firm turnaround time so that your bodies wouldn’t be added to the dozens that litter the landscape. Would you keep climbing even after the agreed-upon turnaround time had long-since passed? Let’s say yes just for the sake of argument. When you reach the top of the world hours late, watch the sun setting, and note the needle on your oxygen canister halfway into the red zone, you may, finally, begin to worry. Congratulations are in order. You are a member of that select group who summited Everest by blowing off the turnaround time, that quaint safety rule established so long ago by high-altitude climbers averse to death. More than likely, you aren’t coming home.
It’s 1986. NASA ignores its own carefully-designed safety rules and allows the Challenger to lift off even though the engineers are saying NO, NO, NO. Two technical types who were over-ruled by their off-site bosses watch the lift-off. Some seconds after ignition they turn to one another, relieved. “We just dodged a bullet,” one says. A minute later, the space shuttle explodes. Everyone on board dies instantly.
Are you sure you’re okay with ignoring the sunset clause that was so carefully built into Mr. Bush’s tax cut?
3. Set the capital gains tax rate to 35%.
Another no-brainer.
Cutting the capital gains tax rate all the way down to 15% as we have is criminally stupid. A fair capital gains rate has never hurt economic growth or held back investment at all. There is a mountain of data proving this way beyond a reasonable doubt. In the 1990′s, we had fair capital gains taxes and fantastic prosperity. When the government decided it could cut taxes and increase spending, prosperity disappeared and the slow-motion train wreck we are now experiencing began. Go ahead, have a cozy little tea party on this particular train – just don’t bring your finest porcelain.
Is the 15% capital gains train really the one you want to be on?
4. Invest the social security surplus.
Social security has been larded with accounting gimmicks and has been long on promise and short on investment. The result is a financially weak system. This can be fixed if we demand it. We have to get past the myriad misunderstandings and reform the system as a straightforward exercise without killing ourselves coming up with partisan arguments about every aspect of what is an inherently simple idea.
Social security as currently constructed is not a retirement program. If you actually invested 12% of your salary in a real retirement program (e.g., a stock-based 401k) for 45 years, you would most likely retire quite comfortably. But our social security program does not include investment so it functions essentially as a safety net. Social security taxes are used to provide a minimal income for current retirees; anything left over (the surplus) is put into the federal treasury and spent like ordinary taxes. The system protects the elderly from poverty and helps the government’s bottom line, but it is pathetic at best as a retirement program. This has to change.
In 1983, Reagan presided over a huge increase in the social security tax which created a large surplus in the social security system. This was a great idea except for one thing – the law Reagan signed did not require the surplus to be invested; instead, the surplus was spent on day-to-day government operations. Since then, the government has carefully kept track of the total amount of money it has removed from the social security system: special non-marketable securities have been issued to the program every year since 1985. These are internal IOU’s – one government program, social security, is owed this money by the rest of the government –and they now add up to 2.5 trillion dollars. The government even included a small interest rate in its record-keeping.
You may feel that it is fine for the government to take money out of the social security system that it can spend on whatever and pay back later. But it is not fine. In 2011, the social security system spent 45 billion dollars more than it took in and therefore had to “cash in” some of its IOU’s. But in order to actually get the cash it needed for social security payments in 2011, the government had to borrow the 45 billion dollars from China (and other sources). This is because the securities, aka the IOU’s, are non-marketable, aka worthless. So it was a nice idea to think, “we’ll spend the social security surplus now and borrow it back later” but it didn’t work because “later” has come and we are buried in debt. The $2.5 trillion is gone (had it been invested in stock-based 401k’s, the amount would be more than triple this figure) and we can’t afford to take on enough debt to replace it.
Some people say the social security surplus was stolen. It was not actually stolen of course; it was spent on all kinds of important things that our government does for us every day. But it wasn’t invested. People who are wedded to the old, broken social security system will say that the $2.5 trillion is already counted as part of the $15 trillion national debt and so, they will say, we actually can borrow the money to pay back social security. But these people are wrong. We cannot allow social security to live off of budget deficits or we’ll wind up like Greece. It’s true we haven’t borrowed the whole $15 trillion yet, but we never should. If we want a strong economy we have to get our deficit spending under control (if you don’t believe that, you should stop reading now).
We can fix the system but first we must accept what has happened, resolve that it will never happen again, and understand that there’s no magic fix – there will be sacrifices. The system needs to have a surplus again and that surplus must be invested.
If a social security surplus is invested in personal retirement accounts, then over the long term, more people will be able to retire comfortably. These people will not need to collect social security and this will create a larger surplus which will allow more money to go into personal retirement accounts which will allow even more people to retire comfortably which creates an even larger surplus . . . . and so on. That’s how investment works – it builds on itself. Under this system, no one is left out in the cold because retirees in need of income are always paid first. If, someday, the invested surplus builds to the point where almost everyone is able to retire comfortably on their personal 401k, that would mean the social security program had been tremendously successful; it would not mean it had been “privatized.” Had Reagan and his cronies done it this way in 1983, social security would be rock solid now.
The first step to making social security solvent and creating a surplus is to insist that everyone actually pay social security taxes (see demand #5 below). At the moment, social security taxes are not charged to incomes above $110,000 and many public employees don’t pay into the system at all. This obviously has to change. This change would increase the tax burden on higher income earners who now effectively don’t have to pay social security tax. But it is nevertheless in their interest to pay up because top earners have the most to lose if social security renders our government insolvent. If necessary, to keep social security working, we might have to set the rate above the current 12.4%. This would affect everyone; however, as long as we have a guarantee that the government won’t blow the surplus, this is also okay.
Once the system has a substantial invested surplus it will be fine essentially forever so this is really the only important change we need. However, there is an accounting gimmick currently in place that should probably be dealt with while we’re at it. Right now, if you earn less than $110,000 your social security tax is about 12% of your income. But it isn’t listed that way. The government likes to pretend you are only paying 6% and your employer is paying the other 6%. In fact, your employer pays the whole 12% and sends it to the government before handing you your paycheck. Of course, all of the extra money it costs for your employer to hire you is a tax on you. This is money that is directly connected to your job and it affects everything about it including whether your employer can afford to hire you in the first place, what salary they can offer you, how big your raise is, whether you get laid off in difficult times, whether or not more staff can be hired etc. The actual social security tax rate currently stands at exactly 12.4% and this is all a tax on you.
To sum up, all salaries should be listed as the full amount before the 12.4% is removed (this is a mere accounting change but it would make the size of the tax clearer to everyone). The now-worthless $2.5 trillion in IOU’s might as well be placed in a museum as a reminder of past mistakes. The government must continue paying social security to retirees as usual and should gradually phase in a system in which Warren Buffet, lesser billionaires, and eventually millionaires don’t collect social security. No one gets a pass on social security tax (demand #5). Government-held social security surpluses must be strictly outlawed – all surpluses must go into individual taxpayers’ retirement accounts, NOT into the federal treasury. We demand this, all of us, republicans, democrats, idealists, realists, even the nutjobs. It’s as obvious as hell.
5. Apply the social security tax to everyone.
If you make a lot of money right now you basically don’t have to pay social security taxes because you only get taxed on the first $110,000 you make. So if you bring in 10 million dollars, 9,890,000 dollars of that is 100% social security tax free and your social security tax rate comes out to less than 1% instead of the 12% most people pay. Medicare/medicaid taxes used to also only be charged to lower incomes but that was fixed in 1993. It’s time to fix it for social security too.
If you are a millionaire, you should be congratulated for your success and perhaps also for creating jobs. But you do not need to “get your share” of social security. What you get is a stable economy in which to live and in which to invest. Stability hugely and especially benefits you and other millionaires so let’s not hear any whining about all those poor multimillionaires we should feel so sorry for who have to pay social security tax on their entire income and won’t “get it back” when they retire. You’re already getting it back – with interest – every day.
Removing the cap would make social security fiscally sound and would create a surplus. The surplus, rather than being dumped into the treasury and spent on whatever, would be divided equally amongst all workers and invested in each worker’s personal retirement account. Eventually, a social security system based on investment would be far wealthier than it is today and would not add to the national debt. Low income workers would be much less of a burden on the system when they retired; higher income workers who voluntarily pour money into their 401k’s would retire luxuriously just as they do today. Had we not squandered the surplus, there would be approximately $7.5 trillion of invested money in the social security system right now (using the S&P 500 as a benchmark). It is true that without a social security surplus to blow, the government would have to be more frugal in its spending habits, but this is a reasonable price to pay for a working social security system.
In addition to not taxing incomes above $110,000, the current system also allows many people to not pay any social security at all. Public employees in ten states – Alaska, California, Colorado, Illinois, Louisiana, Maine, Massachusetts, Nevada, Ohio and Texas – pay no social security at all. In Massachusetts, state workers are allowed to put all of their social security money (the whole 12%) into their own private 401k’s. This is legal because the original law creating social security said public employees with their own retirement plans could opt out of the system. For obvious reasons, getting to bank your entire social security tax into your private account or even into a pension fund for state workers is a much better deal than paying into social security which supports low-income workers when they retire and, until recently, had a surplus that was spent by the government like an ordinary tax. The “public employees don’t have to contribute” loophole must be closed if we are going to have a healthy social security system.
If you’re rich and you don’t like the idea of paying your 12% and having the money divided evenly, keep in mind that the whole point of reforming social security in this way is to keep the U.S. from plunging into dangerous levels of debt. You have fine clothes, pleasant and warm vacations, a new car every few years, art on your walls, many memorable meals in your past, and more fine dining in your future. Are you sure you want to risk it all just so you don’t have to pay social security? Are you willing to watch your stocks and your houses lose value over the next 10 years? What do you think will happen to your wealth if your government goes bankrupt?
The goal here is not some unrealistic perfect equality of wealth (we are very, very, very, very far from that). People who claim they are “conservative” often speak as if any tax reform is aiming at some impossible (and unfair) ideal and they have made “redistribution” a dirty word. But some redistribution is necessary if we want a solid middle class and a fiscally sound government. And we need both of those things for our economy to work and for the rich to stay rich. Sensible tax reform is in your interest even if you have to pay more. There are no communes in our future, but there will be a crash if we keep acting like Greece.
If you are currently banking your whole 12% in your personal retirement account as a public employee in Massachusetts or elsewhere, you have it really good. What can I say? You should probably fight tooth and nail to keep such a great deal. However, I’m afraid it is in the interest of the rest of us to take this away from you and I’m afraid we outnumber you. I certainly understand your wish to remain fully exempt from social security but I’m sure even you can see how unfair it is. Sorry.
6. Extend medicare to everyone.
We have no choice.
Suppose you make $50,000 per year. Your employer must set aside much more than that in order to pay you. For healthcare, it’s $6,000 or so for the benefit on top of $50,000 for the salary. Nationwide, employers now pay more than 800 billion dollars a year for healthcare – this is where your raise went in case you were wondering. In any case, your actual income is really more like $56,000 if you include your health care benefit.
Here’s the good part. You’ll like this. After you’ve paid for your private health care, you get to pay almost exactly that same amount again in medicare/medicaid taxes and income tax that goes toward another 800 billion dollars for our public health care program. Health care spending in the U.S. happens to be about evenly split between the private system and the public system.
It might be okay to have two systems. But it isn’t. For what we pay just for medicare and medicaid, other industrialized nations cover everyone. If our health care system was as efficient as in the rest of the industrialized world (where life expectancy is longer than it is here, by the way) we would all have health care but your employer wouldn’t have to buy it. Imagine what that would do for the economy. All that extra money in the system would mean more expansion, more hiring, and more profits. You might even get a raise.
The current system has two big problems that are bleeding it to death. First, most doctors are currently paid for every patient they see, every test they order, and every procedure they perform. Paying doctors salaries instead reduces costs, cuts down on unnecessary medical work, and improves patient outcomes. Second, a relatively small number of patients with multiple chronic conditions account for most of our health care costs because of frequent, entirely-preventable hospitalizations. Plenty of follow-up care including administrative house calls (not by a doctor of course) keeps these patients out of the hospital, improves their overall health, and hugely reduces costs.
These reforms (and others) are critical and have been successfully tried on a small scale but will be difficult or impossible to implement until we switch to a single-payer system.
The only real alternative to single payer is switching to a free-market system heavy on personal responsibility. This would work: free markets are extremely powerful. But applying free-market principles to health care would also be extremely harsh; it hasn’t been seriously considered even by hardcore conservatives. Being denied triple bypass surgery because you can’t afford it is quite different from being denied a Mercedes because you can’t afford it. Most people would balk at the idea of having to take a fitness test in order to get a clerical job with insurance benefits; they would positively riot if they had to pay extra for gaining 15 pounds. Conservatives need to face the truth: For all intents and purposes, no one is in favor of free-market health care.
There’s an idea floating around that instilling just a wee bit more but not too much free-market principle into our broken health care system would fix it. Please, give me a nickel for every fairy tale . . . Yes, free markets work, but they work because they are harsh.
So we’re stuck in the middle. Our current system minimizes personal responsibility and is completely disorganized and out of control thereby combining the worst aspects of a public system with the worst aspects of a private system. No wonder we pay double.
Vermont is the first state to get this; they have passed single-payer health care into law. Everyone in Vermont will soon be eligible for the equivalent of medicare regardless of age. When Vermont implements its system in 2014, payroll taxes will go up but take-home pay will stay the same because employers will no longer have to shell out massive amounts of cash for health care benefits.
Yes, I know, it’s socialism. But so is the military and so are roads. Sometimes there isn’t a choice and this is one of those times. We’d start saving money on the first day medicare or its equivalent was made available to everyone. Our worst-of-both-worlds system is mathematically doomed; in many ways, it has already failed. American businesses are being crushed by health care costs and we face a long-term employment crisis. What are we waiting for?
7. Cut welfare and defense spending.
It would be just lovely if we could balance the budget by eliminating waste and public radio, but we can’t. We have to focus on the two biggest parts of the budget: welfare and defense.
Many people need government assistance and there are many threats out there, but if we spend ourselves into bankruptcy, everyone will be poor and our ability to respond to threats will be severely compromised. A U.S. bankruptcy is (probably) not yet imminent but we should not forget how precipitous was the failure of those venerable banking institutions that marked the beginning of our fiscal crisis nor should we ignore the fact that Europe is in enormous, probably irredeemable financial trouble.
We can have responsible government. We can have a safety net without allowing it to be abused. We can have a well-equipped military without arming for a fight against the entire world. This isn’t easy but it can be done. We need to reduce our most expensive government programs to sustainable levels and we need leadership, not nonsense about more stimulus in one ear and mindless rants about making the Bush tax cuts permanent (!) in the other.
Unfortunately, a variety of hot and sweaty issues distract us enough so that we end up accepting nonsense and mindlessness on the real issues. Yes, Mexican nationals here illegally now account for the majority of U.S. agricultural workers because they work so cheap, and yes, some gay people are in long-term monogamous relationships very similar to traditional marriage and are politically active, and yes, every year, millions of women get pregnant despite being unprepared financially or emotionally and they terminate their pregnancies. No doubt you have strong opinions on all of these issues. They get people’s adrenaline flowing and make great distractions.
Are you willing to put up with budget fairy tales as long as your party says the “right, proper, and correct” things on the adrenaline issues? Is the financial health of your country so boring to you that you’re okay with politicians constantly changing the subject?
Do you really want to argue about who picks your lettuce while your government hurtles toward bankruptcy?
8. Pass a balanced budget amendment.
This is the inevitable outcome of the fiscal crisis which is slowly but surely becoming a nation-defining event.
We crossed a line and became a debtor nation in 1985. Today, our debt has reached levels that used to be the province of third world countries. It will take a decade or more to get ourselves out of the hole we are in. Exactly when we finally crawl out depends on when we decide to stop digging the hole deeper. For the time being, the hole will remain cavernous, we’ll be lucky if we can keep unemployment out of double-digit territory, and sitting presidents are going to have interesting times getting second terms.
Unfortunately, the sacrifices we have to make to embrace fiscal responsibility and crawl out of the debt hole before it caves in are politically impossible because the voting public knows that only suckers make sacrifices. We need to convince people that their sacrifice won’t simply be stolen by someone with a better lobbyist. We need a balanced budget amendment to the Constitution.
Here’s a sentence that is definitely not in the Constitution: “We want to spend more money, but we don’t want to raise taxes on people who are alive right now so we’ll borrow the money and our children and grandchildren can pay it off or, if they’d rather not, they can borrow even more money until the debt becomes a horrifying existential threat.” Here’s a sentence that should be in the Constitution: “We pay as we go.”
We can do it. We have a huge tax base and a mature economy; we can set our taxes to the proper level to pay for the infrastructure, military, and public services we want. Taxing our unborn children instead just so we can have free money is unconscionable; it’s also stupid. We already have amendments guaranteeing freedom of speech, freedom of religion, and freedom from unreasonable search and seizure; we need an amendment freeing our unborn children from crushing debt.
What should perhaps have been the 11th right in the Bill of Rights would have to be implemented over a 10 year period with maximum deficits spelled out along the way. Once the budget is balanced, this will not mean low taxes or high taxes or small government or big government – these philosophical decisions will still be ours to make. However, presidents like Bush will no longer be able to cut taxes without also cutting popular programs and presidents like Obama will not be allowed to try to spend their way out of recessions with unpaid-for stimulus plans. Only a national emergency, declared by 2/3 of both houses of Congress, would allow a president dig a debt hole.
Whatever your belief system – social democrat, libertarian, isolationist, hawk, dove, or fundamentalist wacko – ask yourself this: do you want to be Toyota with plenty of cash and no debt or GM with its “give me a bailout or give me death” business plan?
Countries like Greece and Italy and even France are proving every day that perpetual deficits and snowballing debts are no better at the level of developed nations than they are at the level of mature corporations. As the warnings from Europe float across the Atlantic and as our day of reckoning draws near, we have a choice: do we make modest sacrifices now or is catastrophe looming ahead so inevitably that we should all just make like bankers and grab as much as we can before we hit the iceberg?
Okay, as Inigo Montoya says, “Let me sum up.”
In the 1930′s when corporate profits fell to zero and the national debt was less than half of GDP, a lot of government spending combined with low taxes (i.e., what we are doing today) was okay policy under the circumstances. That was then.
Today, corporations have plenty of money and profits and the government’s debt to GDP ratio is already over 100%. What we need to do now is actually the opposite of what we did in the 1930′s. We need to raise taxes and cut spending. Everyone has to contribute, especially the top 20% who hold essentially all (85%) of the wealth in the United States.
Here’s our wealth distribution in a nutshell: You are having a pizza party and 100 people show up, but you only have 24 slices so you give 20 people a whole slice each and let 80 people fight over the 4 remaining slices. If you are lucky enough to have a whole slice, it is decidedly in your interest to pay significantly more taxes – remember, if we wind up like Greece, Warren Buffett loses more than anyone.
We’re all scared. Our monstrous national debt looms like a giant anvil poised over everyone’s head and its shadow is making companies extremely cautious about investment and expansion. That’s why they’re not hiring. It’s not because the government isn’t spending enough money on stimulus (Fairy Tale #1) and it’s not because companies are over-regulated or over-taxed (Fairy Tales #2 and #3). The combination of an insolvent government, an unstable banking system, and out-of-control health care costs increases the risks inherent in every business decision.
No one knows when the anvil will come crashing down. At 150% of GDP? 200%? Will there be a domino effect when France runs out of money? Your guess is as good as anyone’s. One thing is clear: when our debt finally becomes unmanageable, there will be no recourse. When the time comes, Occupy protesters will probably set up tent cities in an unbroken chain from coast to coast, but by then it will be just so much nylon, powerlessly flapping in the breeze, making noise and making a stink, too little too late.
Unfortunately, even if the Occupy movement gets organized and puts together a clear set of demands, they will likely push for tax increases but only on rich people. And means testing for Social Security? Oh, well, it’s okay to stop sending checks to billionaires but there will be absolutely no sacrifice whatsoever for anyone in the 99%, including millionaires, because “we’ve sacrificed enough already.” (That’s what you think. You want sacrifice? Wait until we have to stop borrowing money.)
The Occupiers probably aren’t going to go for a balanced budget amendment either, even one that kicks in after ten years because they have been shooting up with free money fairy tales just like the rest of us. The amendment is essential though, a sine qua non if we want fiscal responsibility from the government and trust from the voters. Occupiers act as if all we have to do is get the 1% to spread their wealth. That’s Fairy Tale #4.
Do the fairy tales own us?
In my dreams, Occupy makes common cause with the 1%, goes mainstream, and pushes for achievable change. Wouldn’t it be great if we all “got it,” pulled together, and decided we wanted to contribute to a full recovery and to future stability? What if all 8 demands – and it only works as an all or nothing proposition – were embraced by a broad and sane swath of the American public?
I vote yes. That’s one.
Is Shakespeare the Greatest Rags to Riches Story of Them All?
Gertrude Belle Elion is one of my heroes. Late 1930′s, she’s brilliant, promising, has a stellar college record in organic chemistry but she’s a woman so no graduate fellowship for her. She couldn’t get any kind of a job in a lab either until a World War intervened. Finally actually working in a lab, she taught herself graduate level chemistry and managed to become a research chemist. She developed a new technique for creating drugs and ended up with a whole series of compounds that actually cured some forms leukemia, inhibited viruses, stopped rejection of transplants, and more. You or someone you know might be alive today because of her. Elion (aka Trudy) won a Nobel Prize but never got a Ph.D. She died in the late 1990′s.
Hers is an inspiring story of overcoming obstacles, reaching one’s full potential, fulfilling one’s destiny. Shakespeare’s story is even more extraordinary. The son of illiterate or barely literate parents in a backwater town two day’s travel from London with no access to university-level education and no money for books becomes the greatest writer in history. The fact that he wrote about the nobility from his lowly station as a commoner makes it even better.
Even though the Shakespeare story is probably fake (the plays were most likely written by an aristocrat named Edward de Vere) we all love our rags to riches stories – a great talent manages against all odds to climb that metaphorical mountain and in so doing leaves his or her permanent mark on a world changed for the better. Wonderful.
But really you should be mad. What if Trudy hadn’t overcome the obstacles placed before her by our dominance hierarchy? Human society is still embarrassingly similar to chimpanzee society – read Chimpanzee Politics by Franz de Waal – and this is terribly costly. How many Trudys have we lost? Women are as creative as men but the female versions of Einstein, Newton, Euclid, Galileo, Shakespeare, and Picasso all lived and died anonymously, their talents never developed, their genius never flowering. And women are merely the most easily-identifiable left-out group. Most talented women and men of all races, including the poor saps unlucky enough to be born commoners in Stratford-upon-Avon in the 16th century, just get squashed.
Oh yes, one can be hopeful and say we are doing better at creating a meritocracy and allowing more people to reach their potential. There is reason for hope. But you should still be mad.
There are lots of people who don’t want you to be mad. There’s even a saying to keep you from being mad. I don’t know who invented this saying, but whoever it is deserves whatever evil befalls him. Talent will out. That’s the little saying. Maybe you even believe it. If you have the talent, it will take you places despite the obstacles.
Talent will out. Three words. Thirteen letters, two spaces, and a period. Never has a bigger mountain of utter bullshit been compressed into so small a space. We don’t so much believe it as we hope it is true. We pray it is true. We pray the Gertrude Belle Elions who can teach themselves virology (and biochemistry, pharmacology, and immunology) and discover life-saving drugs aren’t being lost to us on a daily basis. We pray if we ourselves have a talent, it will flower. But it’s more of a desperate hope than anything real. Sure, it might happen, sometimes, and you aren’t powerless when it comes to reaching your potential, but assuming that “talent will out” applies on any grand scale is just a lot of whistling in the dark. We might get there someday but we’re not there yet. Not even close.
Talent wills out about as much as I can jack up my car with my uh . . . let’s see . . . with my index finger.
Some people are especially attached to the talent will out idea. Daniel Golden wrote a nice book about college admissions and he’s got a great story. He’s sitting in a room with a bunch of wealthy Harvard alums and the president of Harvard. The president talks about this accomplishment and that sports victory and whatnot and everyone claps and cheers their approval. Then he says he’s setting up a program that will allow more students who can’t pay for Harvard to get in and actually attend. Silence. A dead, embarrassing, terrible hush. No stirring. Nothing. It was an amazing moment and Golden was there for it.
The playing field is far from level. But you knew that. Did you also know the favorite saying of the haves? You do. I know you do. Talent will out. That’s what makes the status quo okay.
Golden’s book is called The Price of Admission: How America’s Ruling Class Buys its Way into Elite Colleges – and Who Gets Left Outside the Gates. Our educational system is overtly set up to reward the haves and let everyone else fight for scraps. The book is pretty depressing. But hey, talent will out. There’s nothing to worry about. If Shakespeare can pull himself up by his bootstraps, everything’s fine. There’s certainly no need to restructure anything. There’s no need for any changes. All’s Well That Ends Well. Talent will out.
We’ve got Shakespeare, Elion, and let’s not forget Srinivasa Ramanujan who made himself into a great mathematician despite being born in the depths of India with virtually no resources. These stories help us sleep at night; they’re especially good for putting Harvard professors to bed. Don’t tell them Shakespeare was a front-man for the real author. “Shakespeare wrote Shakespeare because we said so and Mark Twain is a fool. Good night.” Harvard professors need their rest.
Ironically, the ivy league Shakespeare wrote Shakespeare people often label the opposing viewpoint as snobbery. Read the essay Hollywood Dishonors the Bard by the eminent Columbia professor James Shapiro. He says, briefly and brilliantly, “You think a commoner couldn’t have written Shakespeare? Snob!” What he meant was, “I’ve been telling everyone talent will out my whole life. You really think I’m going to stop now?”
If only talent will out were real. Wouldn’t it be great if Shakespeares were constantly crawling out of the woodwork from all sorts of unlikely places? Give me that world. Too bad it’s nothing but a professor’s pipe-dream.
I wish it hadn’t taken a World War to get Trudy into a lab. I wish hundreds of Ramanujans weren’t being crushed by poverty every day. I wish talent really did will out. I wish Shakespeare had magically risen from the dust of Stratford. Knowing that he did no such thing reminds us all (except for Dr. Shapiro) that we must continue looking for ways to provide opportunities for all the Shakespeares of the world who don’t have access to the ivy league and who don’t have Trudy’s luck.
Regarding Dr. Shapiro and his lifetime of wishful thinking, the following quote from a personal letter written by Edward de Vere, 17th Earl of Oxford – the real Shakespeare – is apropos: “Truth is truth though never so old, and time cannot make that false which was once true.”
For the full story of the Shakespeare authorship question read my post. For a shorter, more opinionated version read this one.
Anonymous the Movie: Did Shakespeare Write Shakespeare?
With the movie Anonymous out now, the Shakespeare authorship controversy seemed like perfect fodder for hardthinking’s first post. In case you didn’t know, the movie assumes that Shakespeare was a front-man for the real author.
The Shakespeare-wasn’t-Shakespeare people have, over the years, sullied their cause with mountains of nonsense starting with “Queen Elizabeth wrote the plays” and going as far as “the entire canon is a giant coded message showing how to build a nuclear bomb.” Okay, that last one I made up, but six months from now, the bomb theory will undoubtedly have its own website.
So I’ve always dismissed the idea as crackpot nonsense. But Mark Twain, various past and present U.S. Supreme Court Justices and other smart people including a favorite author of mine, Michael Hart, view the authorship controversy with something less than the utter contempt heaped upon it by academia. Hart’s book, The 100: A Ranking of the Most Influential Persons in History, tells 100 important stories including one about the “real Shakespeare” in slot #31. In what follows I endeavor to provide sufficient information to allow you to choose between an improbable hoax and an unlikely Shakespeare.
Three Pillars
There are three major reasons some people, not all of them nutcases, think Shakespeare didn’t write Shakespeare. There’s the “guy walks on the beach but doesn’t leave footprints” issue, the “commoner who knows all about the nobility” problem, and the “poet writes personal sonnets that seem disconnected from his life” question. I’ll rate each of the three Shakespeare didn’t write Shakespeare pillars on a scale of zero to 10 with zero meaning “so what” and 10 meaning “well that about wraps it up for Shakespeare.” If we get a total score of 10, we start looking for another author.
Mainstream academics, by the way, give each pillar a score of zero meaning there is nothing to talk about as far as they are concerned. Some partisans of alternative theories would give each pillar a 10. But let’s take a more balanced view, shall we?
Footprints
Twain seems to have been most concerned about the lack of footprints. He figures if Shakespeare were the real author there would be something to connect him to the plays other than his name. Footprints to quell Mr. Twain’s doubts would be found amongst the millions of Elizabethan documents that have survived the ravages of time: letters, diaries, manuscripts, books with inscriptions etc., etc. Ordinary documents like baptismal certificates and marriage announcements would not move MT; he needs documents that specifically refer to Shakespeare the man as a writer.
There isn’t much to comfort our doubter-in-chief, but there is a cryptic inscription on a monument where Shakespeare was buried that defies interpretation but seems to imply he was some kind of genius/writer/scholar. Also, a few years after he died, someone suddenly came up with 18 previously unpublished manuscripts (including Macbeth and Taming of the Shrew) and put together a total of 36 plays in the monumental First Folio. This undertaking, the first complete set of Shakespeare plays, included a preface that referred to “the sweet swan of Avon” and “thy Stratford moniment” thus implying that it was indeed the Stratford-upon-Avon Shakespeare who wrote the plays.
For Mark Twain, the mismatch between the documents chronicling Shakespeare’s life on the one hand and the plays and poems themselves on the other hand cannot be fixed by the posthumous monument and preface. He is not merely bemused like so many scholars by what seems an odd disconnect between the life and the plays – he’s flat out not buying it.
However, there is one (indirect) connection between the actual life of Mr. Shakespeare and the plays. Shakespeare was an actor. He was a member of the Lord Chamberlain’s Men, later known as the King’s Men. Although there is no specific reference to Shakespeare acting in one of “his” plays, he was on the playlists for a couple of Ben Jonson plays. There is no reason to think he would not also have acted in Shakespeare plays. He was an investor in the Globe Theater which was owned by the Lord Chamberlain’s Men which put on Shakespeare plays. Shakespeare’s will, although it mentions no books or manuscripts, provides some money to three of his fellow actor/shareholders two of whom were editors of the First Folio.
That’s the reason most people think William Shakespeare of Stratford was the Shakespeare the author: there’s the inscription on the monument, the preface to the First Folio, the editors of the First Folio, and the membership and investment in the acting/theater company.
Actually, although there are no handwritten Shakespeare documents, there are six Shakespeare signatures on legal documents which are often compared with the signatures of his fellow writers and used to make the argument that “he could barely write his name.” They do look kind of shaky, especially when compared to the signature of say, Ben Jonson. Two of the Shakester’s signatures appear to be written by two people – a scribe who wrote the first name nicely followed by a badly written last name. I’m literate with terrible handwriting so I don’t hang my hat on this particular argument. On the other hand, looking at Shakespeare’s signatures along with those of his contemporaries certainly gives one pause. See for yourself in my other Shakespeare post.
Getting back to the documentary evidence, from a purely statistical standpoint, Twain is right. There are roughly 50 surviving documents that either belonged to Shakespeare or refer to him. The list starts with his baptismal certificate and ends with his last will and testament. None mention books or writing or refer to him as a writer. For Shakespeare’s contemporaries, we find (with some help from Diana Price) that approximately half of the documents they left behind did specifically identify them as writers. This isn’t surprising. After all, these were full time writers and they were known as such by everyone around them. What is surprising is that the 50% rule crashes and burns so spectacularly when it comes to Shakespeare.
Just for fun, let’s assign a probability of 1/2 that a randomly chosen surviving document left by a professional Elizabethan writer will be literary in nature. The probability of finding a total of 50 documents, none of which are literary, is . . . just a moment while I fire up the calculator . . . almost got it . . . yes the answer is . . . zero. Imagine flipping a coin and getting tails 50 times in row – ain’t gonna happen. Okay, it would happen eventually, in 30 million years or so, if you flip your coin once per second with no bathroom breaks. And if you wait somewhat longer, those monkeys will have Shakespeare typed up perfectly!
Diana Price, as part of her examination of the whole authorship issue, compares in some detail the typical paper trail left by an Elizabethan writer to Shakespeare’s virtually nonexistent one. This has led to a lot of pointless bickering about whether or not the posthumous preface and monument “count” as part of the paper trail: count them or don’t – Shakespeare’s presence in late 16th century London as a famous author is rather ghostlike.
But the truth is, the statistical argument cannot be definitively applied to a human being. Shakespeare wasn’t an electron. Still, it is strange that we can’t even prove the guy was literate outside of “his” byline. I don’t believe in ghosts and you’d think a guy who wrote a million words would have a distinctive signature. The footprints pillar gets 2 points.
Nobility
A somewhat stronger argument is made by the plays themselves which do seem to be written by and from the point of view of an aristocrat with inside knowledge of Queen Elizabeth’s court. The author went so far as to take insider pot shots at Lord Burghley himself! Burghley was the most powerful man in England at the time; he was expertly and mercilessly lampooned as Polonius in Hamlet. And Burghley wasn’t the only victim. The plays are full of knowledgeable caricatures of powerful people. Another example is Malvolio, a clodish character in Twelfth Night, clearly designed to make his inspiration, Sir Christopher Hatton, squirm.
It seems unlikely that a commoner could have gotten away with blatant ridicule of Lord Burghley. Some orthodox scholars have gone so far as to claim therefore that the character Polonius was not meant to be Lord Burghley at all! This is absurd and smells of desperation. A more reasonable approach is simply to say that someone high up may have been protecting Shakespeare, perhaps even the Queen herself. She was known to enjoy the plays and was perfectly capable of granting a “license to wound” to anyone, even a commoner like Shakespeare.
In addition to insider potshots, Shakespeare’s work is loaded with allusions to what was apparently the author’s favorite sport – the noble art of falconry. Love, death, longing, hope, anguish, you name it, it’s all about those marvelous birds. For Shakespeare, falconry was the quintessential metaphor for all of life. Shakespeare obviously loved his raptors, but it is not at all clear given his life story and his station how he managed to become a falconry aficionado. Some traditional theorists will say the usual, “he read about it in books.” But again, this argument makes them look desperate and defensive. It’s much better to simply say he may have had a friend in a position to introduce him to falconry.
Shakespeare’s two epic poems were dedicated to the Earl of Southampton. Perhaps it was Southampton who supported Shakespeare’s art with money and with inside information and with falconry lessons. Perhaps between Southampton’s support and the Queen’s evident enjoyment of the plays, he felt sufficiently well protected to have his witty way with powerful courtiers. Southampton could also have arranged for Shakespeare to travel to Italy – the country that provided the richly detailed settings for a third of the plays.
Despite the “Southampton as best friend” possibility, I regard the contents argument as extremely powerful: even a well-connected source would not, in my view, be sufficient to allow an outsider to take on the literary mantle of a nobleman. I was stunned the first time I heard Shakespeare was a commoner. Tell me Darwin thought evolution was just one possible theory. Tell me Einstein was a religious fundamentalist or that Edgar Allen Poe was a happy-go-lucky guy who was always smiling. If you say to me with a straight face, “Did you know Mark Twain owned slaves?”, I might fall for it for a second. But Shakespeare, a commoner? If I didn’t know about the monument in Stratford and the preface to the First Folio, I would just laugh at you.
There seems to be an inexplicable chasm between the documented life of William Shakespeare, gent., and the fearless, well-connected, Italy-loving, Burghley-hating falconry maven who wrote the plays. I give this pillar 4 points.
Intermission: Conspiracy Theories
If the true author really was a member of the nobility, it means he effectively bought Shakespeare’s name, using the lucky, barely-literate commoner as a front-man. Thus, he could write anonymously and put all kinds of incendiary inside juice into the plays. This theory explains why Shakespeare’s personal literary paper trail is non-existent. However, it suffers from a documents issue of its own: the front-man scam could not possibly have been a well-kept secret. Hundreds of people would have known about it or suspected it. So why hasn’t a single scrap of paper turned up – a personal letter or diary entry – in which the plot is made plain? On the other hand, there was reference to Shakespeare during his lifetime as “Our English Terence” which is a little bit suspicious because Terence was thought by some Elizabethan scholars to be a literary front man for Roman aristocrats. But this is hardly the smoking gun we need because Terence was also known to Elizabethans simply as a great writer.
Diana Price claims there are allusions to the “open secret” of the Shakespeare scam in the literature of the time and she provides a well-researched argument in which some of this literature is interpreted as making fun of a buffoon named William Shakespeare trying to take credit for plays he couldn’t possibly have written. Her analysis is interesting but inconclusive. The bottom line is unchanged: If true, the Shakespeare hoax is one of the greatest, most successful conspiracies of all time.
At this point in the discussion, I’m still on the fence. Conspiracy theories are inherently unlikely and if you think Shakespeare wasn’t Shakespeare you are clearly claiming conspiracy; there’s no avoiding it. Someone had to purposely make it look like Shakespeare was the author by building and/or altering the monument at his grave site and by seeing to it that the authors of the preface to the First Folio dropped the appropriate hints and then kept quiet.
We’re not done yet. There’s one more thing to discuss that actually does, in my view, nail shut the coffin of William Shakespeare, gent., the man whose long, detailed will doesn’t mention a single book, the man whose two daughters never learned to read, the man whose access to Queen Elizabeth’s court was questionable if not wildly improbable. The final nails are provided by the sonnets.
Sonnets
Shakespeare actually did leave behind an extraordinary trove of personal writings – they were published as “SHAKE-SPEARES SONNETS” many years after they were written. The story begins in the 1590′s, when Shakespeare’s poems and plays were being published in multiple editions and selling out. Late in the decade, his sonnets were known to exist but had NOT been published. Indeed, only the author’s “private friends” saw them. The sonnets are addressed to one person, a much younger unnamed man, most likely the Earl of Southampton to whom Shakespeare’s two epic poems were overtly dedicated. The sonnets make it clear that the author, whoever he was, was very close to the Earl – he loved him, in fact.
Private though they were – they read like a series of personal letters – the sonnets were clearly meant for posterity. The author repeatedly expresses his conviction that his work will be famous, his subject (Southampton) immortalized. Sonnet 55: “Not marble, nor the gilded monuments of princes/shall outlive this powerful rhyme/but you shall shine more bright in these contents/than unswept stone besmeared with sluttish time.” Sonnet 107: “And thou in this shalt find thy monument.” Sonnet 81: “Your name from hence immortal life shall have.” Etcetera.
All goes according to plan and the sonnets are finally published in 1609. In a brief dedication on the first page, the publisher, Thomas Thorpe, expresses his wish that the “begetter” of the sonnets be granted “that eternity promised by our ever-living poet.” He’s quoting Shakespeare here – in Henry VI Part 1 there is a lovely eulogy to Henry the Fifth: “. . . our scarce-cold conqueror/That ever-living man of memory/Henry the Fifth.” Obviously, Shakespeare has died, the sonnets could now be published, and Thorpe declares the great poet to be “ever-living” with a nod to one of his plays. Appropriate. Perfect. Beautiful. There’s just one problem: William Shakespeare of Stratford again has the right name but the wrong life. In 1609, he was years away from being an “ever-living man of memory” or an “ever-living poet” or anything else appropriately eulogized.
The dedication on the first page of the sonnets is a big problem for the orthodox authorship attribution. For me, this is where it really begins to unravel. But even the apparently posthumous dedication in 1609 can be explained away: it’s possible the publisher just meant that now that the sonnets were finally published, the still-living author would be ever-living. The dedication, like many a piece of writing, may be variously interpreted. In fact, it is not even clear who he “begetter” of the sonnets is. According to the dedication it is “Mr. W. H.” but the Earl of Southampton was Henry Wriothesley so the initials are reversed for one thing and an earl is not properly addressed as “Mr.” for another thing. So the dedication as a whole defies easy interpretation; it has effectively been ignored as a consequence.
Were the sonnets really personal writings? Were they published after the author’s death? Did Thomas Thorpe mean to eulogize Shakespeare? I think the answer to all three questions is probably yes. But you remain unconvinced. Good. Read on. I’m going to quote you some sonnet material. I will assume in what follows that the sonnets were indeed written to the Earl of Southampton.
The author’s first goal with the sonnets was to convince Southampton to get married. Sonnet 1 begins, “From fairest creatures we desire increase” meaning it’s time to get married and make babies. The author continues his exhortations along these lines for 17 sonnets, making his point with amazing force as only the greatest writer in the world could. He is unrelenting right through the final two lines of sonnet 17: “But were some child or yours alive at that time/You would live twice, in it and in my rhyme.” The young Earl of Southampton did indeed face heavy external pressure to marry in the early 1590′s.
In the second sonnet, the poet provides some perspective for the youth: “When forty winters shall besiege thy brow” warns the poet, you’ll want to have a “fair child” of your own to recall “the treasure of thy lusty days.” In the next sonnet, he tells the boy, “Thou art thy mother’s glass and she in thee/Calls back the lovely April of her prime” meaning Southampton resembles his mother and that to look at the young Earl is to see his mother at her most beautiful. At the end of sonnet 3 he warns, “Die single and thine image dies with thee.”
The next 14 sonnets treat the reader to a brilliant and touching book of persuasion filled with equal parts nostalgia, flattery, and gravity. The poet counsels his young friend to beware of the inexorable march of time, the inevitable changing of life’s seasons, and the finality of death. Sonnet 5: “For never-resting time leads summer on/To hideous winter and confounds him there.” Sonnet 6: “Be not self-willed for thou art much too fair/To be death’s conquest and make worms thine heir.” And what better way to tell Southampton to find a virgin, have sex with her, and get her pregnant than sonnet 16: “And many maiden gardens, yet unset/With virtuous wish would bear you living flowers.”
Despite the poet’s persistence, we know the young Earl ultimately did not bow to the pressure to marry and was heavily fined by his legal guardian for this transgression. In the famous 18th sonnet whose first line is, “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day,” the poet has given up on the marriage and children idea and satisfies himself that at least his favorite person will live forever in his poetry, concluding, “So long as men can breathe or eyes can see/So long lives this and this gives life to thee.”
The “get married” sequence has ended but the poet continues to express his love for Southampton. Sonnet 22 shows us just how intensely the author identifies with his subject: “My glass shall not persuade me I am old/So long as youth and thou are of one date.” Despite his subject’s youth, the author’s aging was not to be denied: “That time of year thou mayst in me behold/When yellow leaves, or none, or few, do hang/Upon those boughs which shake against the cold/Bare ruined choirs, where late the sweet birds sang” (sonnet 73). (I happen to be about the same age as the real Shakespeare likely was when he wrote these lines. Methinks I need a drink.)
Reading the sonnets as personal letters to the Earl of Southampton disqualifies William Shakespeare, gent. If one reads the sonnets as written and considers their history, it seems clear that the author was a man a generation removed from Southampton with 40 winters under his belt in the early 1590′s and facing the late autumn of his life some years later. The author, whoever he was, had fond memories of Southampton’s mother “in the lovely April of her prime.” He desperately wanted his young friend to marry and strongly identified with him. He was powerfully bonded to his “lovely boy” (from sonnet 126: “O thou, my lovely boy . . . “) in a way that was deeply personal and that evidently required limiting access to the sonnets to the “private friends” mentioned in the first known reference in 1598. Unless you are a verbal contortionist, the phrase “our ever-living poet” in the dedication of 1609 is the first known eulogy to Shakespeare. None of this fits William of Stratford. At all.
It is possible of course that the commoner William Shakespeare who turned 26 in 1590 wrote the sonnets. The sonnets do read as personal writings but maybe they weren’t. Maybe Shakespeare had been commissioned by one of Southampton’s relatives to write the “why don’t you get married” sequence from the point of view of a paternal parent. When he wrote sonnets 2 and 73, perhaps he was engaging in what scholars call a “poetical exercise” with aging as the subject. Maybe he had seen a portrait of Southampton’s mother painted in her youth and hadn’t actually physically seen her “in the lovely April of her prime.” Maybe Thomas Thorpe was an idiot. Pick a maybe any maybe.
Here’s sonnet 2 for convenience and as a reminder to not get old.
When forty winters shall besiege thy brow,
And dig deep trenches in thy beauty’s field,
Thy youth’s proud livery so gazed on now,
Will be a totter’d weed of small worth held:
Then being asked, where all thy beauty lies,
Where all the treasure of thy lusty days;
To say, within thine own deep sunken eyes,
Were an all-eating shame, and thriftless praise.
How much more praise deserv’d thy beauty’s use,
If thou couldst answer ‘This fair child of mine
Shall sum my count, and make my old excuse,’
Proving his beauty by succession thine!
This were to be new made when thou art old,
And see thy blood warm when thou feel’st it cold.
A little later in the sonnet sequence (sonnet 27) things turn dark. The sonnets’ context also now becomes rather murky, especially compared with the clarity and repetitiveness of the marriage sonnets. But we can use history to guide us here. We know that in 1601 (the idiot) Southampton was part of the famous Essex rebellion. He was quickly caught and locked up. A reasonable guess is that the author’s despair and disgrace and endless thoughts of his subject while he lies awake all night as grimly told in sonnets 27, 28, and 29 were horrors precipitated by the Earl’s imprisonment. We can likewise ascribe the line in sonnet 35 “No more be grieved by that which thou hast done” to Southampton’s little escapade in which he and his buddies decided they were going to control the royal succession as the Queen prepared to meet her maker.
Southampton languished in the Tower of London for more than two years while his friends, including the Earl of Essex, were executed one by one. A number of the conspirators were hung, cut down while alive, had their guts ripped out (while still alive), and were then pulled limb from limb by horses. The Earl of Essex himself was treated more delicately: he simply had his head chopped off as befits a man of his rank. Southampton was also sentenced to death but this was mysteriously commuted by the Queen to life imprisonment. In 1603, the Queen died, James the First peacefully ascended the throne, and the Earl of Southampton was actually set free! These events are chronicled in history and also rather clearly in the ebullient, celebratory sonnet 107 reproduced below.
The “true love” in this sonnet who was “supposed as forfeit to a confined doom” is of course the Earl of Southampton, the “mortal moon” is the Queen, and “death to me subscribes” means the author will defeat death. Note that “true love” doesn’t necessarily imply sex as it would today: heterosexual men 400 years ago weren’t uptight about expressing their love for each other.
Not mine own fears, nor the prophetic soul
Of the wide world dreaming on things to come,
Can yet the lease of my true love control,
Supposed as forfeit to a confined doom.
The mortal moon hath her eclipse endured,
And the sad augurs mock their own presage;
Incertainties now crown themselves assured,
And peace proclaims olives of endless age.
Now with the drops of this most balmy time,
My love looks fresh, and Death to me subscribes,
Since, spite of him, I’ll live in this poor rhyme,
While he insults o’er dull and speechless tribes:
And thou in this shalt find thy monument,
When tyrants’ crests and tombs of brass are spent.
The reason the Earl of Southampton was not executed along with his comrades was not recorded – perhaps the answer is hidden in the sonnets, we don’t know. Perhaps Mr. Shakespeare, gent., was on hand after Southampton was released to embrace him and say “my love looks fresh.” There is no way of knowing that either, unfortunately.
Of all the sonnets, this one has the clearest connection to a historical event; it leaves little doubt that the subject of the first 126 sonnets is indeed Southampton. The probability that the dedication of both of Shakespeare’s epic poems to Southampton and the fact that Southampton was being pressured to marry when the sonnets were written and the fact that Southampton was released from prison when the Queen died are all just some gigantic coincidence and the sonnets are actually about someone other than Southampton is so low as to be ignorable in my opinion.
Another interesting moment in the sonnet sequence comes in sonnet 125 when the author talks about a royal procession in which he participated.
Were’t aught to me I bore the canopy,
With my extern the outward honouring,
Or laid great bases for eternity,
Which proves more short than waste or ruining?
Have I not seen dwellers on form and favour
Lose all and more by paying too much rent
For compound sweet, forgoing simple savour,
Pitiful thrivers, in their gazing spent?
No; let me be obsequious in thy heart,
And take thou my oblation, poor but free,
Which is not mixed with seconds, knows no art,
But mutual render, only me for thee.
Hence, thou suborned informer! a true soul
When most impeached stands least in thy control.
This heartfelt sonnet basically says to Southampton, “Even though I play my part in royal processions, my true loyalty is to you more than to anyone else.” A beautiful sentiment to be sure but a bit of a problem for the official story: the bearer of the canopy is always nobility.
The sonnets are the deeply personal writings of a mature poet who was dead by 1609 and who cared deeply about Henry Wriothesley, Earl of Southampton. It is difficult to imagine the 20-something commoner William Shakespeare of Stratford-upon-Avon (d. 1616) writing them. I give the sonnets pillar 8 points.
Edward de Vere vs William Shakespeare
Anonymous the movie has Edward de Vere, Earl of Oxford, as the real Shakespeare and Oxford is the leading alternative candidate. As the highest ranking earl in England, de Vere’s honored place in royal processions was of course routine. Edward de Vere turned 40 in 1590. It was his daughter Elizabeth whom Southampton wouldn’t marry. In 1601, Oxford was impaneled as one of the 25 judges in Southampton’s treason trial voting guilty along with the rest per the Queen’s instructions. No one knows what went on behind the scenes before Southampton’s death sentence was commuted, but there is a line in sonnet 35 – “Thy adverse party is thy advocate” – which perhaps tells a story.
Oxford died a year after the events depicted in sonnet 107. Almost twenty years later, in 1623, the First Folio appeared dedicated to a pair of brothers, Earls both – Montgomery and Pembroke. Montgomery had married de Vere’s other daughter, Lady Susan Vere, now Countess of Montgomery. Pembroke was also close to the de Vere family. Mainstream scholars have to contend with the fact that de Vere’s family undoubtedly bankrolled the First Folio and may have had something to do with the amazing doubling of the Shakespeare canon that took place when the First Folio was published. Indeed, someone held the manuscripts of 18 unpublished Shakespeare plays for many years – for more than two decades in some cases. Did William Shakespeare’s illiterate family members in Stratford find manuscripts after he died? Did Shakespeare’s actor friends and business partners at the Globe theater put the manuscripts in storage? Or did Lady Susan inherit them? No one knows; you get to decide which is most likely.
The evidence for de Vere is obviously circumstantial. But unlike Shakespeare, he knew Southampton, he had a personal reason to be pushing the boy’s marriage, and he knew Burghley too – young Edward de Vere grew up in Burghley’s house under his thumb just as Hamlet grew up in Polonius’s house. We know that de Vere was brilliant, loved Italy, and wrote poetry as a young man then stopped publishing but strangely continued to be referred to as “best for comedy” and as a great poet. Hamlet and a number of other plays contain details, including references to real people and places with names unchanged or only changed slightly, that, one could argue, make de Vere the only possible author. See my other Shakespeare post for more about the connection between the plays and de Vere’s real life.
All the stuff about de Vere working for Southampton behind the scenes and Lady Susan inheriting manuscripts is speculation. Officially, William Shakespeare spent his life writing the greatest literature in the English language, hoarding grain (he was cited), and suing his neighbors for six pounds (that document survived) while his two lovely daughters died without reading a single word from his works. A sad story, but he was probably too busy to turn his daughters into his famously brilliant and witty heroines. They were just rural commoner girls after all. Besides, being one of the most well-read men in England without owning any books would have kept him running all over town hunting for reading material so how much time could he have had to read to his daughters or write letters to his friends? None, apparently. It’s a good thing his gravestone (not the monument in the church) contains the following inscription or some silly people might doubt that he was a world-class poet:
Good friend for Jesus sake forbear
To dig the dust enclosed here.
Blessed be the man that spares these stones
And cursed be he that moves my bones.
A beautiful piece of writing. It’s an ode to Shakespeare’s humility really. No doubt he arranged to be warmed for eternity by four lines of doggerel to make the point that even though he knew Lord Burghley well enough to dislike him, was an expert falconer, and had visited Italy, he hadn’t forgotten his roots. Westminster Abbey was for other great writers, like Spenser and Jonson; none of that for a man of the people like William Shakespeare. What a guy!
I know what you’re thinking: nice sarcasm and interesting speculation regarding de Vere but it doesn’t prove anything.
I love you. You’re a ruthless skeptic just like me. The world has enough gullible people in it and I’m happy you’re not one of them. So here’s your proof: The author of the sonnets states clearly and unequivocally that he is using a pseudonym. How do you like that? No interpretation or guesswork or gap-filling or suspect calculator-work is needed.
Here is sonnet 81 with the crucial lines in bold.
Or I shall live your epitaph to make,
Or you survive when I in earth am rotten,
From hence your memory death cannot take,
Although in me each part will be forgotten.
Your name from hence immortal life shall have,
Though I, once gone, to all the world must die:
The earth can yield me but a common grave,
When you entombed in men’s eyes shall lie.
Your monument shall be my gentle verse,
Which eyes not yet created shall o’er-read;
And tongues to be your being shall rehearse,
When all the breathers of this world are dead;
You still shall live, such virtue hath my pen,
Where breath most breathes, even in the mouths of men.
At the time this sonnet was written, the name Shakespeare was wildly famous; he was already considered to be among the greatest writers who ever lived. The bragging we see here (“such virtue hath my pen”) is all over the sonnets. The author was absolutely certain his work would endure forever. And he knew it would be published under the name Shakespeare. But he himself was going to die to all the world and have nothing but a common grave. These are the author’s own words delivered in the most passionate way imaginable.
You can’t get clearer than this. Unless you are prepared to say that the sonnets had nothing to do with the author’s actual life you have to accept the crazy-sounding truth: Shakespeare wasn’t Shakespeare and there was a high-level conspiracy to conceal the true author’s identity and pin the tail on the barely-literate William Shakespeare of Stratford. Not getting the man’s kids educated was an oversight of course; if the conspirators were serious about their work, both girls would have received an education and their own copy of the First Folio. Instead, there is every reason to believe neither of Shakespeare’s children ever so much as touched a book in their whole lives.
Conclusion: Shakespeare wasn’t Shakespeare
I hope I’ve given you enough of a view of both sides for you to score this yourself. I get 2 + 4 + 8 = 14 points which is more than enough to convince me that there was, probably, a fantastically successful conspiracy/hoax. If you wish, you can add points for the various de Vere “coincidences” and subtract points because it requires a conspiracy. I think reasonable people would come up with a range of 5 – 15 points.
Well, that’s that. Mark Twain and Roland Emmerich (the director of Anonymous) and the other doubters are probably right: Shakespeare wasn’t Shakespeare. The mainstream quacks are clearly wrong to ignore the question and relegate it to non-professionals like Twain, Emmerich, Stevens, Scalia, and Klamet. It’s continental drift all over again. As I’m sure you know, mainstream scientists ridiculed continental drift as kid stuff (“hey mommy, Africa fits into South America”) from initial proposal to the first rush of evidence up through and including the development and presentation of definitive proof. Similarly, many mainstream historians will take their folly re Shakespeare to their graves.
Too bad, really because realizing that de Vere was probably Shakespeare is just the beginning. There are still so many unanswered questions and all these highly-educated but narrow-minded mainstream types waste all their time trying to interpret the sonnets in a total vacuum. It’s one thing to be skeptical; it’s quite another to eschew all creativity and open-mindedness as if it were Ebola. Edward de Vere would have called it an all-eating shame.
TK






